Onion Recount Concluded

(Montrose) A controversial recount of yellow onions harvested here has been completed showing no misconduct or wrongdoing on the part of commodity traders or the farmers themselves. Following the lead of politicians, many protesting ballot results in national and state elections, local farmers demanded a full recount of produce figures back in October when the crop was first harvested.

Although preliminary summations appear to have been correct many farmers remain unconvinced of prescribed tonnage results and the number of truckloads delivered to prearranged sights.

“We’re not dealing with mom and pop groceries and family-owned produce stalls anymore,” said one angry onion farmer. “It’s a whole new arena today, one populated by crooked brokers, out-of-town banks and other corporate interests. With low wholesale prices and increased costs we have to watch out for ourselves. Discrepancies involving so much as a truckload or two could determine who stays in business and who starts looking for other work.”

The cost of the recount is estimated to be in the neighborhood of $350,000 which will be extracted from state lottery funds and newly approved taxes on tobacco products. Potato farmers, an untrusting lot by definition, are expected to follow suit, with a possible recount slated for fall of 2005.

In a related development the over 10,000 onion counters participating in the action will not be eligible for benefits since they are classified as part-time agricultural workers and were given free lodging during the almighty quest.

“You still have to go to Confession but you can bring your lawyer.”

– Ed McMahon on the advantages of being half Catholic and half Jewish.

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