Offensive linemen accused of cannibalism on team bus

(Manana) Two sophomore linemen from the University of Commuter Mantras, have been detained here due to accusations that they ate two other players on an overnight bus to the league finals in Wimpton.

The unnamed perpetrators, a guard and a tackle, had reportedly been banned from the mid-day training table for disciplinary reasons according to someone familiar with the team’s daily routine. That meant they’d have to go until morning on nothing but the light snack served on the bus.

Police confirmed that a place kicker was “gnawed on” and a free safety lost part of his firearm. Both are expected to recover in time for the finals if the Manana squad makes it that far. The suspects have been disqualified from competition until the matter is resolved.

Coaches refused to comment officially on the developments saying only that “place kickers and safeties wee a dime a dozen but good offensive linemen were hard to find.”

NCAA officials, some cannibals in their own right, say they will forbid punitive measures involving food and sleep deprivation since “it brings out the mean streaks far before kickoff.” The college sports watchdog has recently come under fire for policies that limit or prohibit income earning potential among amateur athletes on scholarship or simply participating in current programs.

“If the NCAA represented anyone but itself it might have allowed for lunch allowances from alumni or personal items like toothpaste or gold chains.

-Rocky Flats

Filed Under: Lifestyles at Risk

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