Nostradamus Saw Short Skirts, Bottled Water Craze

(St.-Remy, France) Way back in the 1550s Michel de Notredame, better known as Nostradamus clearly predicted skirt lengths, computers and the bottled water craze. Although many suggest that his forecasts were vague and open to a variety of interpretations most experts cannot deny his precise prognosis of 21st Century cultural phenomenon.

Written off by some as a simple soothsayer whose obscure presumptions were made more to entertain the French court of Charles IX than to augur the future, the prophesies of Nostradamus continue to surface, delighting some and confusing others.

According to Dr. Efram Pennywhistle of the infrequently prestigious Cal Amari Institute Nostradamus was a run-of-the-mill astrologer and rogue physician willing to write prescriptions at the drop of a hat.

“His only real talent seems to have been the ability to be weird,” said Pennywhistle. “He would enter a room trance like and begin speaking as if from another soul making ambiguous, often insolent predictions about the death of kings or the success of future grape harvests. Many people bought his program just like they do today. I’m not saying it was an act,” continued Pennywhistle. “I’m just saying he employed the drama of the ancient Greeks with the timing of a Yiddish vaudevillian.”

Although skeptical, Pennywhistle readily admits that Nostradamus was right about many of his forecasts. In 1555 after publishing his prophesies in verse form in Centuries he began to dwell on the mundane, preferring to talk about meaningless cultural behaviors rather than earth stopping developments.

Pennywhistle sights a host of predictions within the realm of popular culture suggesting that Nostradamus was pulling someone’s chain and making a killing doing so.

“The man actually charted changing skirt lengths from 1830 to 1955 seeing what appeared to be only a fashion statement as a presage to war, economic conditions and morality. He saw the rise of the computer but failed to buy stock in Microsoft when it was still cheap,” said the doctor. “Later, just before his death in 1556 Nostradamus told the French to invest in plastics insisting that soon plastic will rule the world.”

Researchers agree that Nostradamus was never successful in attempts to foretell the end of the world but he may have predicted the rise of Adolf Hitler and penned the lyrics in the Beatle’s album Magical Mystery Tour.

“There is evidence that he hit many of history’s nails right on the head, “said Pennywhistle. “But let’s leave those truths in the hands of the supermarket tabloids and talk radio hosts.”

After centuries the astrologer’s ability to predict the future remains as cloudy as ever. Was he a gifted sage, a receiver of random information from the heavens, or was he just another show biz charlatan on the way to the bank?

– Alfalfa Romero

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

1. Estimate the number of unemployed astrologists living in Paris in the 16th Century.

2. Was Centuries ever available to the general public in paperback?

3. Did Nostradamus ever suggest effective methods for disposing of plastics?

4. Why doesn’t anyone ever talk about his half-brother Claude?

5. BONUS: Conjugate the verb nostradar.

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