(Minneapolis) Surgeons at the Mao Clinic here warn that wearing neckties can cause diminished eyesight and even result in brain damage. Statistics compiled from over 4000 test cases here in Minnesota clearly show that persons accustomed to wearing ties were far more likely to suffer from paranoia, neurosis and were severely lacking in general prudence.

According to the New Mexico Journal of Medicine: “If ties are consistently worn around the neck in the fashionable method thy can and will cut off the needed supply of blood to the brain, resulting in a host of medical complications, most notably premature expiration syndrome, the ultimate complication…final curtains, taking that last bow, death by strangulation.

Persons falling into this subjective category can significantly improve their chances for survival by loosening their ties, the top buttons of their shirts and quitting their white collar jobs at first chance. Women who have taken to wearing ties and other symbols of male power are hereby warned to stop the aforementioned silliness before they too are victims of this curious disorder.

-Susie Compost

Filed Under: Fractured Opinion


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