Nature Conservancy To Purchase Africa

(Sawpit) In an attempt to reinvent Africa local environmentalists have announced the purchase of the dark continent. The closing took place in Nairobi this morning.

“We figured this is the only way to save the continent, plagued by disease, starvation and almost constant warfare,” said Muffy Hollandaise of the Nature Conservancy. “If Africans would only adopt our way of life they might be able to turn things around.”

Hollandaise, who admitted her knowledge of Africa was based on Tarzan movies, expressed surprise and muffled denial when it was suggested that most problems originated with European colonization in the latter 19th Century. The new landlords quickly began exploiting the vast mineral wealth and restructuring national boundaries based not on tribal considerations but rather to fit their own white agenda.

Some colonizers were inhumane. Most were harsh. None were benevolent

“We wanted to save the elephants and the rhinos from poachers, not to mention the mountain gorillas from the valley guerrillas,” added Hollandaise. “Many of the species there are endangered much like the African-American population on Colorado Avenue.”

The madness there today can be traced to that period of colonialism when that world was turned upside down. It is hoped that the purchase will allow residents there time to reflect on how better to employ resources, feed people and hammer out a lasting peace.

The price tag for the world’s second largest continent was not disclosed but one Placerville realtor, Hector Dusseldorf, told The Horseshoe that the commission “was substantial”.

-Uncle Pahgre

“Yerra mister, I wouldn’t start from here. Why don’t you go somewhere else before you try to get where your going.”

– common reply in Western Ireland when people ask for directions.

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