Martian Studies Program Propels WSCU

(Gunnison) In response to countless contacts with intelligent life on Mars, progressives here at Harvard-On-Tomichi have created the first intergalactic studies curriculum. Responding to early gov’ment admissions that Martians have been to Washington (as early as 1988) Western State Colorado University will offer an undergraduate degree in Martian Studies as early as January, 2021.

Already other notables in the scholastic arena have stiffened up and taken notice.

“I thought they just taught skiing at Western,” said one Adams State professor. “We’d better keep an eye on enrollment over here in Alamosa or we’ll be losing students. Hats off to free thinkers in Gunnison. Frankly we never thought they had it in them.”

Oddly enough WSC has oversold tickets for the winter, accepting more students than ever before.

“We followed a pattern developed by the airlines,” said Phil Cheroot, of the Admissions Office. “Students who do not get a seat for the semester will be given vouchers to attend elsewhere until a spot opens up. It’s testy but it beats empty desks and fiscal deficits.”

Meetings between Martians and WSCU faculty have been reported up Ohio Creek, on W Mountain and at Hartman’s Rocks. Although no exact minutes were recorded, the subject of language requirements and academic credits are thought to have been the priority. A Martian Information booth has already been set up at the student union.

“Up until now we haven’t spent a penny due in part to strong alumni support on the part of the Martians,” said Dr Margaret Steed, a fellow heading up the Intergalactic Studies Department. “They even paid for the coffee.”

Critics say the school should have been more open with these early plans to involve aliens.

“They are right,” said Cheroot. “We admit everything. Who cares? We have packed houses from Taylor Hall to the tennis quarts. Success is sweet. There is a twisted joy in turning away students but 4500 is our absolute limit.

“That won’t hurt efforts on the corporate level,” said Cheroot. “We are negotiating with Martian culinary officers at the moment,” added the administrator. “Although many prefer the traditional meal of beans and rice on the Red Planet.”

Meanwhile students who have decided to or are planning to major in the said field can look forward to four years of grueling study capped off by a year “abroad” at one of several Martian universities. The tough language requirement washes out 70% of the freshmen who often look to accounting, journalism or pre-law as disappointing substitutes.

“Nonetheless we expect to graduate at least 100 qualified Martian expert by 2025,” said Steed. “Maybe we’re going out on a galaxy here but the package is far more innovative than Sociology of Significant Strata, Introduction to Arctic Psychology and/or Methods of Keynesian Finance, leading scholastic agendas over recent decades.”

It was not clear if Western would play any of the larger Martian universities in football in 2021.

Filed Under: Hard News


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