MARS MIGRATION SCUTTLED FOR NOW

(Mars) A growing movement calling for the displacement of political refugees and the great unwashed to the outer regions of the galaxy has been stopped in its tracks due to an overwhelming response here.

The simple enough rocket maneuver, projected to take only three years to complete, is now burdened by the number of applicants for a limited number of seats on the designated spacecraft.

“We are pretty tired of all the whining and the desperation,” said one former Farmland Security official, speaking with a degree of anonymity. “These hordes arrive in masse like a flock of shit birds in the Ceiba trees. They have no wings only a hand outstretched. I can speak for the entire agency when I say we will be happy to be rid of these needy and bothersome creatures.”

According to sketchy details, more than 7 million persons have completed lengthy dossiers and posted hefty non-returnable deposits just to get on the celestial dance card. Academics had expected no more than 500,000 potential exchange students at the commencement of the relocation syllabus.   

Meanwhile those who continue to embrace the mundane and glorify stupidity have banded together with the bored again to form a powerful lobby pushing for the colonization of Venus while she’s not looking. That planet, the femme fatale of the Milky Way, has filed an official protest with the Office of Astronomy Raw Materials Intergalactic and Space Exploration (OARWSE)

Efforts to secure pillows, sheets and blankets for the voyage have faltered, leaving assorted palms up and most bungling bureaucrats with their pants down.

– Attila Diggins

Filed Under: Soft News

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