Man Recovering After Falls Leap

(Crested Butte) Local man, Melvin “Breakfast Meat” Toole, is in fair condition after leaping off Coal Creek Falls in nothing but an oak whiskey barrel yesterday. The daredevil feat, lambasted by authorities yet praised by extreme sportscasters, took place at high noon on an unseasonably warm February day. It was witnessed by hundreds of extreme motion junkies who hoped the event might someday gain Olympic status.

Although shaken and frozen Toole expects to sell some 400 photographs of the leap in his Elk Avenue Bistro on Whiterock. What he doesn’t sell will be nailed to trees all over town and up Kebler.

In moments he was picked up by local police officers, and charged with disturbing the peace, wasting water and reckless endangerment before being whisked away to the Gunnison Valley Large Animal Clinic where he is being held today.

Initially Toole’s target was a small wading pond just to the north of Wirtz Falls. Unfortunately he missed the pond altogether and landed in a mangrove of willows and mud.

“The sound was frightening when he hit,” said one bystander. “It’s lucky he was wearing a seat belt.”

Toole himself plans to sue someone over the incident and further shape his fortune. Supporters insist that their hero will settle out of a quart and avoid a juried arts events in general.

Danger existed long before the jump as Toole climbed the 300-foot cliff adjacent to the falls. Slippery rocks and aggressive birds often appeared to have the edge but the persistent athlete, the first man ever to negotiate the Black Canyon using nothing but dental floss and an eyebrow pencil, finally overcame all adversity and arrived at the summit just moments before eleven. As a crowd gathered Toole climbed into his barrel, adjusted his goggles and simply leaned in the direction of down.

“We could care less about all this serve and protect business,” said one local cop off the record. “This clown broke the law and must face the consequences. We’re concerned about the preliminary message sent by this fanfare. Imagine if everyone decided to jump off a waterfall in a barrel!”

While in the hospital the famous daredevil has received thousands of get well wishes and cards. He is scheduled to appear on the Dope-rah, The Daily Grow, Jimmy Felon Live, the David Netherlands Show sometime before the 20th Annual Summer Weekend Festival in Gunnison. Toole is employed as an associate professor of gravity at Western State Colorado University and collects bird houses in his spare time.

– Suzie Compost

Filed Under: Fractured Opinion

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