Man eating marmots still on lam

(Gunnison) With seasonably high waters interrupting the traditional food chain normally docile marmots have turned on college students to fill the void in their diet. Attributing a host of mysterious disappearances to the rodents local police have promised to track down the perpetrators and restore calm to this once sleepy campus.

     “The real problem here is that students are slow moving targets, easy prey for the fierce marmots,” said one officer investigating the case. “It’s easy enough to imagine a marmot pouncing on an unsuspecting student and dragging his victim into a hole. Although no one has actually recorded these acts of violence we have pieced together  scant clues and are inclined to believe the worse.”

     Items such as gloves, books and bits of hair have been introduced as exhibits in the recent indictment against the rodent population.

     “They may be attracted to bright colors and are almost certainly drawn to loud or obnoxious persons,” said the cop.

     Students have been warned not to go out alone after dark and not to talk to small fur-bearing animals until a solution can be formulated.

     Residents of the town, fearing for the safety of their families after the marmots run out of students, have armed themselves and vigilantes are on patrol from the Mountaineer Bowl to the Asinall-Wilson Center.

     In an official statement the controller’s office expressed fears of lost revenue if the reign of terror continues. Other sources at the college claim that it is tough to measure the extent of losses due to the practice of cutting classes this time of the year.

     “When we call the roll prior to class we can’t  really determine if an absent student has simply overslept or if he has been eaten for dinner. The local chapter of Save the Ravens says the marmot attacks are reprisals for student attacks on crows this spring.

     One academic department, that  of Applied Cannibalism, has already arranged to have 3000 pine beetles and another 200 tons of wood ticks, known delicacies within the marmot population, flown in by the weekend. This addition, combined with the contributions of local florists is expected to turn the tide until the blood lust is brought under control.

– Merv Ditchwater

Filed Under: Fractured Opinion


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