Long Nights Astrograph

(General Horseshoe, incorruptible alchemist, star gazer, cosmic peasant and slave to the solar system takes no prisoners in the following appraisal of your very existence. We are not at all sorry if anyone is offended, upended, rebuked, ambushed or otherwise uprooted by these brave evaluations.)

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Watch out for Libras, Pisceans, Aquariums and other Capricorns and never trust the rest of them. Stop beating your head against the wall. Try using a small club or lead pipe instead to reach empty space between your ears. Cut to the quick when dealing with matters of the heart and soul. Pay attention to your body. Cardiac arrest has been found to relieve stress in laboratory rats. While conditions look encouraging for Capricorns this month, your lack of initiative will make you the sad exception. Don’t take any crap off loved ones. Helping friends can become a tedious commitment. Tonight: Cows in the barn.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 19)

Attempts to expand your knowledge are certain to net success, considering the jumping off point. Your restless ruler, Mercury, is slowly moving in reverse and headed for that new Dodge pickup across the parking lot. Although there is no insurance in life, you’d better get some quick. Opening doors for strangers only encourages them to come in. Venus or Mars will be devoted at least until the cash runs out. Money spent on the utterly trivial allows welcome relief from bothersome debt priorities. Don’t get ruffled. Tonight: Develop a foolproof opinion on gay marriage, illegal aliens, democratically inspired political torture and the expansion of nuclear weaponry.

PISCES (February 20 -March 20)

Devoting one’s time to material gratification means you should have more than the next person. Don’t get fresh with kick boxers. Spawning was last month. This month is snagging season. Wouldn’t you like to spend the winter with the other frozen foods? It’s impossible to go with the flow on the end of a hook. Garner advantages. Those fins look damned industrial. Examine your inner charm: You are always clean you rarely drool. Avoid predictable feeding habits. Your cold-blooded lifestyle may insulate you from more than you had once imagined. It’s all genetic. Tonight: Skip the chips.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

When dealing in financial matters keep a stiff upper hip or you could get caught with your pants down. The potential for a long, happy life awaits you but only if you make it through this afternoon. Spend equal time contemplating your inevitable destiny and your increasing density. Take advantage of insomnia. Sensual jogging is great for some but be careful not to pull a muscle in your libido. Using words you don’t understand is all right if you’re only talking to yourself anyway. Improvise despite inclinations to bull forward. Damn the torpedoes especially the one headed for your starboard side. Tonight: Roughing the kicker is only a five yard penalty in Canada.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Early indications are that golden opportunities have passed you by.  What good is drastic self-improvement if nobody is watching? Look before you leap but never through rose-colored glasses. Buying people off could be better than putting them on for size. An old lover will hit you with his or her cane by mid-morning. Today is a great day to have your picture taken with a bowl of kibble. Repel nightly fears of household appliance breakdown. Be sure to drain all rum, vodka and gin bottles this month as these are summer concoctions and really should not be consumed in colder weather. Tonight: Congregational strolls with a handgun.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)

It’s far too late to gain over-achiever status for 2019. Embrace adverbs under the mistletoe but keep your dangling participles out of the plumb pudding. Flapping tongues lead to curious rashes through the 15th.  Sleeping in your car will not validate dreams of travel. Try letting the air out of your ego. It’s tough to maintain eye contact while plucking one’s eyebrows. Look both ways before crossing your vortex. Keep a bullish eye on the market for sales on ground beef. Learn the difference between on the street and in the street. Tonight: Too many political prisoners spoil the stew.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Pigeons may mistake you for a statue. Dogs may mistake you for a fire hydrant. Stay away from garbage cans when those noisy trucks are in that neighborhood. Break bread but not promises. Fixing things that are not broken is a much easier approach to the demands of general maintenance. Chicken lips make great stocking stuffers but long legs are far better. Your intrinsic stoned age instincts are in full swing this week. Hunt and gather till you puke. Go ahead and lie to yourself. Everyone else is doing it. Tonight: Examine the roots of Icelandic rap music.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Assignments that are difficult in the beginning should be left till the end. Maybe they will just go away. One-on-one relationships could spell double trouble unless someone else does the math. Venus (planet of love and seduction) will enter your 8th house of secrets and intimacy on Tuesday. Spend Monday mucking out your bathroom or the visit will be short-lived. Neptune and Pluto will ask you to co-sign a loan for an aircraft carrier. Read all pine frint carefully. Fill your dance card for the winter before the band breaks a string. Tonight: A suave, sophisticated fish wants to get his fins on you.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

At press time we have received little indication as to your plight for the month. This could be very good news or a disastrous turn of events depending on your altitude. The only option is to turn up the bass, and the salmon too? Let us know what happens. You’ve got to learn to think on a different plane but get to the airport early to assure a window seat. Homeland security officials are still looking for their butts in a windstorm. Watch out that they don’t grab yours. Resolve consumer inefficiencies. Change is important…Look there’s a dime on the ground! Tonight: Panhandle at the mall.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 23)

Lighting a fire under someone is only an expression. Republican neighbors will invite you to dinner. What could they possibly be having? Ambition is better left to the motivated. Time-sharing your emotions will prove to be a very poor investment. Keep things penned up until spring. Evaluate all unwanted bowl movements early in the day then go back to bed. How can you see yourself as a super hero when you don’t even own a decent cape? Be tolerant of the frustrations that you bring out in others. Running around the end could leave you with terrible field position later in life. Tonight: A surprise punt on third down will fool only the slower cheerleaders.

SCORPIO (October 24 – November 22)

Your keen imagination creates worthless fairy tale delusions in the face of bad Japanese horror films. Snow White vs. Godzilla? Don’t expect much tail wagging in a dog-eat-dog world. Let’s go surfin’ now, everybody’s learnin’ how. Come on a safari with me. That bad singing voice and little tequila will come back to sting you. Use caution when working with unfamiliar tools such as your brain. Try a little sex appeal or at least brush your teeth. Household decisions should always be made right there in your house. Time spent under a flat rock can be beneficial. Tonight: Call your sister in Cleveland.

SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 21)

The stress of Christmas and New Year’s are finally over and now the pressure is on for Ground Hog’s Day. When will it all stop? You know very well that it will stop and that frightens you too. Get used to “not going anywhere”. Embrace it. Travel plans could be interrupted by coal trains. Integrate with the front gate, lawn furniture or pieces of the fence. If you stay indoors you won’t need sunscreen. You are more adept than a pack rat but more inept than a church mouse. In the game of life stay with the picture cards. Tonight: Is guilt trips hyphenated?

Filed Under: Hard News


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