Local Man Flush With GPS

A local man, Melvin Toole of 2877663399 Road, was rescued from his smartly decorated bathroom this afternoon after spending more than a week looking for the exit door. Despite the fact that he held his trusty GPS, Global Positioning System navigation device in his halting hands (or possibly between his knees) he was unable to negotiate the necessary moves to free himself from his personal hygiene calaboose at the end of the hall.

“I reached out and my team failed me,” whined Toole, a retired spleen counter from Moline who recently moved to Montrose “to be closer to God”.

Toole told reporters that his GPS showed the route to the door but didn’t tell him that same floor might be slippery and presented a confusing checkerboard pattern. It also failed to notify him that the light was behind the door and that the seat was up.

“The GPS didn’t even bother to tell me to wipe either,” said the now freed prisoner of his own devices.

Readers may recall when reaching out was considered a misdemeanor akin to sexual harassment, and when being an individual was better than being a member of some tiny-brained corporate robot corps. Oh well…

The dumbing of America has many allies in the world of technology.

This is not the first time Toole has achieved marginal fame. In 2007 he mailed himself to Coconut Grove (Miami) only to end up in the dead letter department. Hours later he was returned to sender when a mailman discovered something amiss.

The act of mailing oneself falls between the cracks with regards to federal crimes like mailing weapons of drugs, so Toole was released into his own custody upon his arrival back in Montrose.

“I was so close,” said Toole, wringing his hands mercilessly.

– Uncle Pahgre

“Caricatures might exaggerate reality, but they can’t invent it. They can distort but never lie.”

– Javier Mallarino in Reputations by Juan Gabriel Vasquez

Caricature is a stinger dipped in honey.” (ibid)

Filed Under: Lifestyles at Risk

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