Local farmer blows up vineyard with chili paste

(California Mesa) A local grape farmer’s seasonal salsa really hit the mark taking with it three acres of vines, a small metal shed and some abandoned yard appliances. Local law enforcement personnel joined frightened neighbors this morning to sort things out.

The explosion, on the mink farm operated by Earl Bloodcell, was heard all the way to Haley Draw, rattling the more than 4000-piece glass menagerie in a ramshackle, yet revered mud hut that borders Wingfield National Rocket Test Range. No injuries were reported although one unicorn bruised his nose slightly.

Maybe just a pinch less on the Serrano-gunpowder paste and a little more cilantro, heh Earl?

“That salsa has quite a kick. It blew the top off my metal shed My wife told me to use the measuring apparatus but my neighbor said he could eyeball the concoction so as to avoid cleaning more dishes after cooking. It was them damn habaneras!

Local authorities blame dormant Carolina Reaper peppers for the blast. Both are illegal in Colorado and Utah. The strain is usually crushed up and blended with other less noxious vegetables. It is widely employed as a topical aphrodisiac by Spartan tribes in New Guinea.

“I didn’t intend on breaking the law,” said Bloodcell. I only used a little of the Scotch bonnet to keep mountain lions out of my petunias. The rest I fed to the bear to keep them from raiding my still.

Concocted and cooked in a brand new cattle trough the spicy mixture should be classified as a weapon.

“Technically his hot sauces should be classified as explosives and classified in the gunpowder family,” said one gentleman caller, a retired ATF agent who lives up the hollow from Bloodcell.

“We were experimenting with dilution when the whole place lost its cool,” whisked Bloodcell. “It’s half an eyedropper to a gallon of water from now on.”

According to SF Gate: “The green chili group includes all green peppers that are hot, including “Anaheim” (Capsicum annuum “Anaheim”), “Jalapeno” (Capsicum annuum “Jalapeno”) and “Cayenne” (Capsicum annuum “Cayenne”). Technically, there is no difference between a green chili and a jalapeno. However, many chili fans are referring to the large, mild New Mexico peppers, such as “Anaheim” when they use the term green chili. These chilies are used to make green chili and canned chilies. Because these chilies are so mild, they can be used in large amounts in recipes. Jalapenos have more heat and they are often used as a condiment, rather than a main ingredient.”

 

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