LOCAL ANARCHISTS COMMENT ON CENSUS

Second homeowners counted twice?

(Mañana) Most anarchists around here think the National Census is a joke. Joining many other less radical elements of the society these standard bearers claim the figures extracted from the populace in no way indicate anything about who we are or how we live.

Former Cahone grant writer, turned anarchist after one too many town council meetings, says the census is just another money laundering operation on the part of the feds.

“They pay census takers to knock on doors and write down statistics. These people aren’t properly trained. What if grandma’s hiding in the cellar or Uncle Bob is out of town?” he said. “It’s simple. A lot of scribble on an official Census form is not a valid basis for decision-making, funding or any other gov’ment intrusion. Even if it was it would not justify the expense.”

Mildred Cranmph, a retired navel officer turned anarchist thinks the Census expenditures could be better spent on tanks or a second Star Wars Defense System.

Another anarchist, Mildred Cranmph, of Camp Bird agrees, adding that the census is about on par with employment figures which she says are often distorted to benefit politicians and the party in power.

“We must ask ourselves where the feds could better spend the money which they have illegally collected through rogue taxing policies,” she flinched. “Then take it another step and ask what effect all that money would have on the economy if it were left to the consumer to spend as he or she saw fit.”

Pro-Census sources wrote off the cries of the anarchists saying that they just sought to sabotage the census taking since it provided cohesion and preserved order in the nation. Authorities fear that efforts to disrupt the census could emerge as the actual tabulations begin.

This unidentified anarchist, who claims to have invented the cow tag, thinks the Census is a sham. Others agree calling it yet another act of a stumblebum government plodding through another meaningless workday.

“In some countries census takers have been threatened and roughed up by rebellious rabble and in some cases kidnapped by factions unfriendly to law and order,” said Marco Rasputin, of the Trivial Liberties Union. “These census workers are brave Americans out to make an honest buck,” he stared. “Who knows what dangers lurk in the hearts of our countrymen? There are domestic disputes that may be encountered. There is the threat of the angry recluse or the lonely motor mouth, and that doesn’t even touch on exhibitionists, bad coffee or mean dogs.”

The anarchists are calling for a boycott of the census until the federals come to their senses.

“Considering the history of the past 200 years that could take forever,” said Cranmph, who suggests that an educated guess might do the trick.

“It’s like the football referee who roughly estimates were to down the ball after a play then meticulously measures his often invalid presumption with the exactness of 10-yard chains,” said one anarchist who demanded anonymity. “The whole thing is ludicrous, but what isn’t? Why do you think I’m an anarchist anyway? I’ll tell you…It ain’t for the benefits.”

– Melvin O’Toole

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