Life – What you need to know

by Pepper Salta

Many Suburbanites Plan to Live off the Land in Emergency

(Denver)  A disturbing number of suburbanites and to a lesser extent, a host of city dwellers, say they will simply live off the land if the excrement hits the air circulation device any time soon.

Almost fifty percent of Americans living in or near high population areas when polled, say they could rough it if need be while only twelve percent declared themselves ready and fit for an uncertain adventure. Of this control group more than half contend that there is really nothing to worry about. Twenty eight percent insist it is too late to be concerned while a paltry six percent say the government will save them in the event of mass chaos and its running mate, pandemonium.

Sadly none expressed concern that a large chunk of the population will also be seeking ways to survive a major disaster or that most of the farmland has been blacktopped, severely hampering efforts to grow food or raise domestic animals.

Sources in rural parts of the country, often alarmed by large crowds and mass migrations, would fare better due to proximity to food sources, water and primitive fuel.

“We could survive a siege for more than six months while our uninvited guests freeze their hungry asses,” said a former beautician from Silt.

“Living off the land sounds romantic to someone who watches television, washed his car and mows his lawn for excitement. These folks aren’t in touch with nature,” said Dr Simon Lackluster, a research fellow at Cal Polygamy, the sponsor of the survey. “What are they going to do? Pick berries? Dig for edible roots? Shoot a rabbit at the mall?”

Experts warn that a population used to nice houses, snap-finger convenience and instant access won’t last more than a few days off the land and out of their comfort zones, due to what could turn into an ugly arrangement.

“They are too far from the food sources,” continued the doctor. “Credit cards don’t usually work in cornfields.”

Although far from completed, an ongoing investigation hinges on probabilities related to the current state of the world.

“Chances for survival at a time of bedlam rely on the distinct knowledge of what was once necessary and what is still wild and a majority of us have lost connection there,” he cautioned.

– Earl “The Pearl” Macadoo

Filed Under: Soft News

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