Letters to the editor

Letter policy: No unsolicited correspondence will be accepted after business hours. All E-mail and letters undressed to our lower editor will be turned over to the top dog for further examination. Absolutely no material will be returned. No emails will be acknowledged, much less answered in the order that they were received. Writer’s guidelines are not for public consumption. All checks will be cashed upon receipt. All cash will be abruptly seized and used to buy gifts for concubines. Services pending.

Dear Editor:

What recent bill, signed by the President and denounced by over 90% of Americans surveyed, allows for expanded/unlimited corporate ownership of media by rich contributors to the Madison and Monroe campaign, and smells like carp? Why do these groups want to control all the information fed to the public? Does this mean Grand Junction TV news will improve? How can I write so pretty and still keep slaves? Why was there no mention of these goings-on until after the bill was signed into law? You have until November of 2020 to answer.

Thomas Jefferson

From The Great Beyond

To the Editor:

Your recent critique of the Ouray Sewage Treatment Plant was unfair and brutal. Why just the other day the city approved its own drinking fountain water. If you would do your homework you would find that the aroma common to a small radius of the septic/sewage infrastructure is organic. Isn’t organic what all you new age liberals want? Your suggestion that the city burn incense in the area or give away clothes pins (for noses) is insensitive. You’re probably afraid of cow turds too. Melvin Toole

City of Ouray

Dear General Horseshoe:

We don’t understand why the air-conditioned Super Wal-Mart, recently erected in Kabul offends the Muslim element there. Where is their sense of global consumerism? Hardly anything in here is made in the USA. Don’t they want to buy worthless things cheaper? Is it because we have already put all the tribal ma and pa kiosks and markets out of business? Don’t they appreciate sweat shop designer clothing? C’mon, it’s policy to frisk all suspected Arabs at the front door and then sell prayer rugs at 50% off! Was it that Taliban rummage sale that set them off?

We plan a brand new store in Baghdad and one for Tehran next year. K-Mart can have North Korea–They don’t have any money anyway. We know the Afghanis love the chicken, the burgers, the chemical pizza and the tacos. Why are they so displeased with us?

Saddam Walton

Lawhore Pakistan

To the editor:

In a recent issue you listed a roster of effective aphrodisiacs easily found in the Rockies. Some, like the aspen leaves and the freckle tree bark seem easy enough to acquire while the bear tongue and sugar beet blossoms could involve some further research. My question is this: Can I buy these things on-line? I realize you suggest a hike through the forest but I’m reluctant to go out of the house due to possible immigrant attacks. PS: How will I know if any of your sensual remedies take?

Margot Rotweiller

Arvada, CO

Dear Editor:

For decades my daddy and his company polluted the planet, exploited the poor, experimented on animals, sub-divided farmland, and then, the day before his retirement, absconded with his employee’s pension funds and ran off with the pool man. According to his last email he is now pimping time shares in Guatemala City.

Now, thanks to a healthy trust fund I’m living here in beautiful Telluride but I’m not happy. I want to be a political activist like all the celebrities around me. I’d do anything to make up for the sins of my father.

Maybe I could send some grain to Africa, reintroduce timber wolves to San Miguel County, bankroll a couple of scholarships for the underprivileged, rescue some kitties from the pound, bail out a bankrupted airline or ship medical supplies to Iraq. Can you recommend a trustworthy broker/money manager?

I have this morning free to make amends but later in the afternoon I have to take my Range Rover to Montrose for a tune-up. Tomorrow it’s a pedicure and tennis lessons. Thursday my dog is scheduled for grooming and Friday the caterers are coming. Then, over the weekend I have a hot date with a member of a fashionable minority group. On Sunday I fly to Grand Junction to go shopping. Monday is my polo night. Maybe we could just meet for lunch next October.

Quite Sincerely

Radical Sister

Mountain Village

Dear General Horseshoe:

The 30,000 Ted Cruz masks that you had us send to El Salvador have been stolen. The police say they were scaring the fish but we were making great strides with them. Do you know how much a bag of tacos costs down here? Hal Burton

Resurrection Oil

Laramie, WY

Dear Editor:

Congratulations on your recent editorial decision to combine your editorial and obituary pages. The entire department is now more concise, organized and meaningful. Hell, with any luck you might save a cyber space tree or two in the process. Greetings too from my Uncle Earl who still thinks your writing sucks.

Rupport Murdoch

Perth

Filed Under: Hard News

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