Legal limits on highway caffein levels established

(Montrose) After almost a year of testing, the State of Colorado is poised to determine what comprises legal operation of a motor vehicle while on caffein. Long-running efforts have been both lauded and criticized by social and economic groups in the Rockies since the concept originated in 2015.

Once the restrictions are formulated, Highway Patrol and other law enforcement will be on the lookout for infractions, stopping any driver who exhibits aggressive, illogical or provocative behavior on state highways. According to the architects of the plan “the culling of offenders will make travel much safer and help control this epidemic that threatens to disrupt the very social fabric of the nation.”

Offending motorists can expect to be stopped for erratic speeds, loud music, registration snafus, mechanical issues, and even panicked glances. Officers have been trained to investigate suspicious drivers (and often dangerously whacked out passengers) who appear to be over-cooked on coffee. The aberrant pedal monkey could then be issued a DUIC (driving under the influence of caffein) or a more serious DWOC (driving while over-caffeinated).

If a routine stop suggests that a driver is jacked up in excess of the legal limits he will be arrested, detained, fined, reeducated and severely humiliated. After a day in court the alleged offender may lose his license and face increased insurance rates. Culpable motorists have been warned that police will be on red alert,  especially in the morning hours when coffee abuse is at its highest.

“It gives the cops something to do, someone to bust, in the later morning hours before drivers begin the afternoon and evening booze routine,” said a source at the Colorado Division of Transportation. “Caffein affects everyone differently. We know that. We also know that once the money is in our coffers these distinctions become less and less. It is clear that drugs do not mix well with tons of metal on wheels, traveling at high speeds in crowded or isolated arteries anywhere on dirt or asphalt.”

Experts say that although caffein is more difficult to detect in the blood, other symptoms of too much coffee are quite obvious. Nervousness, inability to concentrate, darting eye coordination, bean breath, profuse sweating, and haphazard  jittery movements behind the wheel are red flags to the trained eye. Roadside “sobriety” tests, while faulty and often inadmissible in court, often indicate unlawful habits before they lead to accidents.

Supporters of the emerging law say caffein leads to other more acute social issues such as domestic violence and road rage, while detractors insist that the move is just one more step in the direction of complete totalitarianism on the highways.

“It’s all about money, not safety,” said one critic. “Nobody in power really gives a tinker’s damn if you use cream and sugar or drink it black.”

Local officials here conclude that a few eggs or flapjacks in the morning could render the entire topic academic.

“It’s just one more good reason to eat a good breakfast,” said one. “Or stay the hell off the highway until you mellow out.”

Tommy Middlefinger

“Solving the population problem is not going to solve the problems of racism… of sexism… of religious intolerance… of war… of gross economic inequality. But if you don’t solve the population problem, you’re not going to solve any of those problems. Whatever problem you’re interested in, you’re not going to solve it unless you also solve the population problem. Whatever your cause, it’s a lost cause without population control.” – Paul Ehrlick from The Population Bomb written in 1968

Filed Under: Lifestyles at Risk


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