(Colona) The United States Forest Circus has issued a warning to all humans using the public lands: Leave new wildlife alone! Cubs, fawns, chicks and other infant mammals, not mobile enough to travel with their mother while she hunts for food, are often left behind in a safe place. If left undisturbed the babies will be rejoined by parents and nurtured.

Interruptions on the part of nosy humans creates the biggest problem according to the Colorado Division of Wildlife.

“Predators do their dirty work to be sure,” said Jack Spratt of the DOW. “That’s part of nature. It’s when these do-gooders and technological throwbacks get involved that we have real problems.”

Spratt says people should follow common sense rules and leave the babies alone.

“How would human parents feel if resident deer and/or chipmunks on vacation monkeyed with their infants when they stepped out for a breath of fresh air or to hit the can?” he stressed. “They wouldn’t like it.”

The proper response is always to avoid interrupting the natural relationship between animal families. If someone discovers a potential orphan he should leave it be at least until the DOW has had time to contact the parent. In addition, it is highly illegal to adopt a fawn or cub. At present there are over 2000 inmates doing hard time in Colorado prisons for these infractions.

“This doesn’t mean people can’t squash flies and mosquitoes no matter what their age,” said Spratt. “They are considered pests and have little use except to enterprising spiders and hungry bats.”

Another bugaboo is dogs and cats. These natural predators see young wildlife as dinner. It’s up to the owner to monitor pet behavior and thus protect infant deer or rodents from these often sporting carnivores. This can be achieved by training or restraining canines and placing a bell on the collar of prowling, domestic panthers.

   “The ending to the story can be happy or sad depending on the human factor,” said publisher Kashmir Horseshoe, adding that in over 43 years, this was the first functional USFS press release received by his periodical.

In a related story, the feds denied reports that dropping 4500 new porta-johns in National Forests throughout the West would disturb the wildlife there. The pooper shacks are deemed necessary where people are charged camping fees or admission. Insisting that the potties are placed in areas already contaminated by human smells, the feds say animals don’t venture into these environs anyway.

In a further release from combined federal agencies it is apparent that the potties are a definite go. These custodians of the forest are the same ones responsible for erecting over 14 million signs on public lands from Missoula to Bisbee since Teddy Roosevelt’s day. Critics say the feds could have limited the number of unnecessary signs to about 20 and saved thousands of trees in the process.


“If one continues to talk around enough people someone is bound to write it down in some oblivious anthology which will then be stashed away in some lice-infested cellar beyond the furnace of literary pursuit.”

– from Mermaids in Fishnet Stockings, Testosterone Bros. Boston




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