Kryptonite discovered in San Juan Mountains

A major deposit of the rare mineral, Kryptonite has been found adjacent to the present site of the Camp Bird Mine near Ouray according to assayers there. Already thousands of would-be prospectors have crowded roads in and out of the town. Kryptonite, previously thought only to exist on the pulverized planet, Krypton, is worth an estimated $830 per ounce on the open market. It is used chiefly as a computer sensitive component in plastic credit cards and in the production of waferboard.

Residents have been warned to stay in their homes until this, the latest of a multitude of booms, subsides. The last boom in Ouray stretched from 1888-1902. Continued  exposure to the mineral can allegedly cause serious side effects in judicious wise acres and other persons of constant opinion. Symptoms include loss of teeth and hair, a seriously warped sense of altitude and the tragic, slow deterioration of the brain.

Miners up Dexter Creek, where a smaller vein of Kryptonite was discovered last week, have been seen discarding once-precious gold nuggets for the lucrative Kryptonite. Many have become instant millionaires in just a week.

“We don’t have the technology (mules) to haul out the gold and silver too,” slobbered on sluggish sluice-boxer from Montrose. “This claim alone has netted over 400,000 tons of the rich ore and we haven’t even got the price tags off the shovels yet!”

Since last Tuesday  thirteen camper cities have evolved in any available space from Ridgway to Silverton. Lumber has been cut down to make picnic tables for hungry miners while a glass of orange juice at the Buen Tiempo Restaurant costs about nineteen dollars. Hardware and supply houses as far away as Ridgway are doing a banner business and there’s no end in sight.

Many of the mining claims are accessible only through Zute Indian lands and some are located right smack in the middle of the Southern Zute Reservation. Mining interests have appealed to the federal government to intercede on their behalf and the state militia has taken up defensive positions surrounding the Zutes. There is hope at press time that an agreement can be reached and violence averted but if not…well…there’s always Utah. At present there are 73 militia for every Indian in the region and that doesn’t take into account the over 30,000 heavily armed miners and the crew of the battleship “Colorow” that is anchored off the Uncompahgre Inlet.

In an official statement Governor Hickenlooper has asked that persons having no previous business in the area stay away unless they really need the cash.

– Rocky Flats

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