KNOTHOLE NEWS

PHOTOS BANNED IN WILDERNESS AREAS

(Pitkin) The use of cameras or other mechanical machinery aimed at recording images will no longer be permitted in Wilderness Areas as of January according to a press release from the feds.

Persons engaging in this illegal activity after the said date will be fined and prohibited from visiting the regions in the future.

“In regions where other machines are banned we have now caught up to ourselves,” said Melvin Toole, architect of the plan. “Soon blenders, chain saws and generators will be taboo as well. Our goal is to rid the forests of people by next summer and cut down the trees. Then we’ll be done with all this controversy once and for all.”

Shutterbugs from all across the West plan to block entrances to Wilderness regions in an attempt to generate support for their hobby.

“Taking a picture is not harmful in any way to the forests and/or their inhabitants,” said Nellie Nikon, of Malfunction. “There’s no pollution, little noise and no impact on the earth. We just like to take pictures of birds and trees and flowers. We’re not bad people!”

The federal government, all wrapped up in another senseless Presidential election has not had time to review the restrictive agenda. Multiple use advocates have already threatened a filibuster. Persons wishing to attend should simply follow the brown forest service signs found all over the woods.

Department of Interior to start big fires

(Ouray) In a turnabout from an original plan to mechanically thin and burn about 10,000 acres near here, the USFS has decided simply to burn down 100% of the forests.

Operation No Trees-No Fires is already in place and a series of uncontrolled burns will start in mid-November.

Saying that the agency has finally found a way to silence all of the critics of our forest fire policies, a spokesman for the wardens of the woods called the plan fool-proof.

Originally the USFS had charted specific problem areas for destruction with prime harvests going to lumber companies for a nominal fee. Then, after reconsidering the complaints of many citizens the agency decided to be done with annoyances once and for all.

“We expect the blaze to last 40 days and 40 nights leaving a heap of ashes that should mix well with the rocky soil,” said the source. “Then, after about five years we can begin growing cash crops like hemp where trees once stood.”

Radicals within the ranks say the initial plan called for the fires to be set during hunting season so as to send a message to the firearm lobby.

     

Biosphere III Filling Up

(Crested Butte) The massive glass dome built last month to house herd refugees is filling up fast with an abundance of applicants showing up in person, their meager belongings strapped to their backs. Deer and elk, even bear and lion, are all willing to live peacefully together at least until the end of hunting season.

According to the ground rules endangered species have first crack at the digs followed by political refugees from the Rocky Mountains. Later, if room permits people will be included on the roster.

“It’s a sort of Noah and the Ark deal here,” said Estelle Marmotbreath, the architect behind the scenes. “We probably need two of everything just in case the world ends over the next couple of months.”

This biosphere is the third of its kind. The first two were employed as test cases involving an incredible assortment of living items from centipedes to barrel cactus. The shells were then donated to the modular housing industry.

Plants and mammals wishing to hide out here should call their elected officials or the President at home.

   

Filed Under: Soft News

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