King of vulgar words mispronounced for centuries

(Worchester-on-Tomichi) A foul expression of immeasurable significance in so many grammatical contexts, the F word has been incorrectly uttered since the Assyrians, in an attempt to draw the the enemy out from their fortified gates, taunted the Babylonians with the expletive at Tarbisu.

According to discarded idiomatic measuring vehicles unearthed near here, the word is correctly pronounced with a long U thus rhyming with clue or more closely Duke or puke. To further verify this startling account bits of pottery chards and beads from the ocean often accompany these miraculous finds that threaten to divert our attention away from what is our sacred idiomatic quest.

After the defeat and dismemberment of the Assyrian Empire in 615 BC the F word quickly assimilated into the everyday jargon, the street lingo, the downtown slang of numerous Mideast hierarchies, some of whom built rambling temples to the Great F.

But that was then and this is now.

After millenniums it’s much the same old song. The word has appeared with umlauts (two dots) above it and it has flaunted itself with the letter e at its rear end. It has broken stride with other more cooperative, yet compound sounds by inserting an h and sometimes even sneakily implanting the y sound for emphasis, thumbing its’ syntax at gerunds and misunderstood participles.

And if that’s not enough proof for you doomsayers out there: Only last month Russian dermatologists studying the layers of Mars and Saturn have discovered an ancient and forgotten code ensemble that clarifies stoic babbling and tramples superstitions. They contend that surface dust on both heavenly bodies interfaces well with the long-held misnomer that overuse of teenage skin creams made from lightly distilled, yet passable vodka can lead to redness and circles under the eyes.

Social scientists in the free world were hesitant to confront the Russians saying that it could take 5000 years for the people of the earth to begin to pronounce the F word properly again.

“This is not something that must be decided this afternoon,” said one.

-Kashmir Horseshoe

Filed Under: Lifestyles at Risk

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