Jails To Be Emptied for Cattlemens’ Days

(Gunnison) Prisoners currently incarcerated at Gunnison city and county jails will be released as part of a general amnesty celebrating the 118th Annual Cattlemen’s Days Rodeo. The shackled will be expected to report back to jail at the close of ceremonies on July 12 – 15.

It is hoped that this benevolent gesture might convince anarchist guerrillas hiding in the mountains to let go some 200 hostages taken during the siege of the Marshal Pass Armory in April.

“We don’t know yet if the emancipation will include political prisoners or if this is actually the beginning of a general amnesty,” said one officer. “Details are expected to be made clear at a press conference tomorrow.

Meanwhile guerrilla leaders have announced a massive fish fry on the eve of further negotiations aimed at ending their 40-year stalemate with the State. Opponents say the guerrillas possess no current fishing licenses and may have employed slave labor to secure the mighty catch. Although no exact time or location for the feed has been established, the public is cordially invited.

Prisoners failing to return to the confinement facility on the date imposed will miss the monthly taco night and could be deemed ineligible for parole until 2026.


Bone Crushing Plant Spoils Dump View For Newlyweds

(Tomichi Creek) In a post-nuptial action a recently married couple has filed $2.3 million damage suit claiming that the construction of a new bone crushing plant has spoiled their view of the county landfill.

Mel and Belle Toolini, sagebrush researchers attached to the local extension service, contend that height restrictions and visual impact regulations were not adhered to by Cornwell, Marrow and Herd, an international bone crushing concern headquartered in Gillette, Wyoming. The firm specializes in landfill down-sizing and assorted hostile takeovers.

“We fully understand that the area desperately needs bone crushing facilities but not right out our picture window,” said Belle. “Wouldn’t it be easier to conduct their crushing operations at a single-story capacity? They don’t need upstairs executive offices and an employee lounge. What’s wrong with a small trailer, a cooler and a horseshoe pit like other companies use?”

 In a show of support over 400 local families have sent cookies and cake to the newlyweds. One even sent a pot roast.

“We’d like to thank everyone for their gifts but sooner or later one of us is going to have to learn how to cook,” teased Mel.

Maybe not. If the plaintiffs are successful the plant will have to conform to county building codes. However, if their attempts fall short it will be curtains for their view, which they say is the main motivation they bought the property in the first place.

In the event that they lose the case, Cornwell, Marrow and Herd has threatened to pull up stakes and relocate to a spot upwind from the Montrose Dump where tax enticements flourish and more liberal deed restrictions apply.     

– compiled by Sir Otis of Liver


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