(Montrose) Not one person was lost in Montrose car washes so far in 2017 according to the Occupational Safety and Health Association . This phenomenon, when compared to 2016 when seven residents disappeared in the fine, soapy mists of cleanliness, was lauded as a great achievement by the city’s mayor and council, who spoke anonymously.

It is estimated that 148,937 persons washed cars here from January through August, up 14% from 2016. This year the slate is clean while some 22 persons were injured or at least chronicled as victims of the technology.

“We think the entire industry deserves a pat on the back because we can’t think of anything more pertinent to say,” said one city councilperson. “If other industries like banking (where hundreds are lost to ATM machines annually) and dog food producers (kibble dust) would take a hint here quality of life would improve for all of us.”

One local merchant Mango T. Gargoyle III, owner of Mango’s Mindanao Tiger Traps, of Spring Creek Mesa, praised the car wash attendants saying that without their keen vigil losses might have been substantial.

“Although not trained in an variety of medical emergency response these brave car wash technicians are a tough, savvy breed, capable of search and rescue procedures not known to the average Joe,” he quipped.

Gargoyle has been under investigation by both OSHA and the Colorado Department of Health for alleged safety abuses in the jungle and in the employee lunch room.

“They just won’t climb off my posterior!” he complained. “I pay taxes. I employee people all over the world. OK, so on occasion (OSHA estimates 300 former employees lost in 2015 alone) we lose a few workers. Lord knows with the state of affairs in 2017 people, and not tigers, are the expendable element.”

Meanwhile a gala celebration is slated for October with balloons, fireworks, rodent dogs and a visit from former Transportation Secretary, Federico Pena, who, much like Geraldo Rivera, is under investigation for manipulating his Hispanic heritage for ill gotten gains.

“We hope that  2017 will be incident free,” said one car wash troubleshooter. “I hate like hell trying to retrieve customers from our car wash. It’s really wet in there and they always struggle when I put them in the blower/microwave to dry.”

– Fred Zeppelin

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