Incentive Program Offers Mortuary Miles

(Mañana) A local funeral pioneer has embraced the cutting edge with an innovative, albeit controversial, post-mortem incentive program. Soon customers of Up, Up and Away Internment International will have the opportunity to earn miles and travel bonuses based on money spent and flight routes chosen.

Based on the highly popular miles programs offered by the airlines and hotels, this groundbreaking burial concept offers credits for miles travelled as well as purchases made along the way.

“No matter what they tell you from behind the collection plate nobody knows what to expect after we die,” chided J. Elmzuni Pritchard CEO of UUAII. “I don’t know about you but I’d rather go over the top with a little backup. Even if the miles don’t get you saved, they look good on a resume.”

“Some clients have enough miles to go to heaven or hell,” continued Elmzuni. “Their choice. Reward miles are a real plus if you’re born again and/or live parallel lives. Our Companion Fare is perfect for multiple personalities.”

Souls that just linger, hover or just drop in for a cup of tea on occasion, can qualify for mile credits but they must prove that they were on the flight in the first place.”

“We want to accommodate everyone living or deceased and some what ain’t,” quacked Pritchard. “Of corpse deadhead trips are cheaper. “We don’t like to call them that. We prefer the term Lite, as in Lite VIP.”

Up, Up and Away can usually get the client out the door, casket included, for about half what one would pay sans miles in a conventional mortuary. While it may seem ridiculous to book all of this type of travel in advance we suggest booking in advance. You can secure a seat later.

“They had a woman over in Placerville what died three times back in October and it cost her next to nothing,” chipped Pritchard.

And that good news for the people back home. No more worry about freezer burn, clipped wings or soil tests.

Persons wishing to sign up for the Up, Up and Away Miles Reward Program should download the official Up, Up and Away App, enjoy a Starbucks, buy a new cell phone, join a team and ask their doctor. Travelers who have yet to lose the attachment to the natural state may be responsible for IVA charges.

– Paula Parvenu 

Filed Under: Lifestyles at Risk


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