Identity Brokers in Town Tuesday

(Almont) Representatives from the nation’s top identity brokerages will be in town this week hoping to acquire as many as 600 local identities. Once called identity theft, and heralded as a threat to fiscal well-being, the emerging practice of paying cash for people’s identities, now legal, has grown into a billion dollar enterprise.

“Once we convinced the government leaders that it would be easier to manipulate public opinion with many identities under the one roof of corporate sponsorship, we were on the way,” said Norm Valaparaiso, who alone has over 7000 identities in his trophy case. “The Congress passed an amendment, the President signed it off and we began recruiting willing identities right out in the open.”

Residents willing to sell their identity should assemble at dawn at the confluence of the East and Slate Rivers, and bring along an overnight case. Despite a slight drop in demand over the summer and fluctuating interest rates, most identities are still bringing in about $2.39 per pound. Analysts hope that projected inflation will drive prices up and precipitate increased interest on the part of the general population.

“Right now it’s a buyer’s market. They’re scared. They’re waiting,” said Valaparaiso. “I don’t blame them.

Filed Under: Fractured Opinion

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