Ice Climbing Absent From Scripture

(Ouray) The sport of ice climbing is not mentioned once in either The Old Testament or The New Testament according to a group of scholars brought here to determine how the Bible might be used to predict the weather.

After countless hours of exploring passages, no reference to ice, ice climbing or ice climbers was uncovered according to soon-to-be published findings of the academics who were assembled from churches and synagogues all over the world.

“The out-and-out absence of any reference to ice climbing suggests questionable morality here but in no way condones or condemns the behavior,” said one scholar. “At this point we in no way wish to insinuate that ice climbing is a sin.”

Hard-liners disagree saying that if the Creator had wanted people to climb ice he would have said so in his centuries of dictation to ghost writers among the Chosen People.

“Either that or we would all be born with built-in crampons and ice tools” laughed Orwell Freeze, one of the leading researchers in the field, or on the wall as it were. The Koran follows suit and contains no mention of the sport either.”

The results of the investigation are slated to be released in 6000 years.

“Our book talks about the specifics of a chaste and holy existence here on earth,” said one local preacher. There are references to burning bushes, swift swords, eating apples and great victories over the Philistines. There may even be mention of golf and tennis but nothing about ice climbing. Therefore we can only assume that it, along with all winter athletic activities, is wrong.”

Secular sources refute these conclusions saying that the weather in Palestine and the Mideast in general is free of ice and snow and therefore testimonials to these climatic conditions would not be included in the Bible.

“It’s important here to employ logic along with faith in making these final assertions,” said one climber. “There is nothing immoral about the sport itself but the often hedonistic lifestyle associated with it could be the deemed questionable in the arena of theocratic judgements. There is no mention of ice climbing in The Origin of the Species either,” said the source since there was little ice and snow in the Galapagos, where Darwin often lived. “The sudden unfurling of these feigned events demands further research,” she concluded. 

Critics of the analysis say the entire idea shows just how far the self-righteous will go in judging others, (even though their book specifically condemns such behavior). They maintain that ice climbing is a good, clean experience. Some participants questioned the sport’s staying power what with the heat and eventual thaw inherent to eternal hell fire.

“We live in a time where fairy tales and ancient fears dictate daily life for some. But this needle-nosed scrutiny comes in a disproportionate helping when these finger pointers need to take a good look into the mirror,” mused Freeze.

– Fred Zeppelin

Filed Under: Lifestyles at Risk


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