(Flint, Michigan) An “official-looking” eviction notice, which was received by the United States Congress last week, has reportedly been burned.

The assertive, almost belligerent demand contained no return address or exact timetable for the forced exile “of all creatures great and small”. Experts say there is no doubt as to the origin of the ultimatum warning humans of dire consequences facing the planet and all of its inhabitants.

It was addressed to Caring Members of Congress, which in itself illustrates the futility of the action. After nervously sitting on the notice for a few days the legislative body opted to burn the document “rather than frighten the American people with trivialities.”

The eviction papers were then allegedly singed then consumed by flames at a Georgetown barbecue last weekend. Passersby say neocons and other toadies in attendance cheered as the fire engulfed the discounted message.

The lavish barbecue, financed by drilling interests in the Chesapeake Bay region, targeted moderate politicians, fossil fuel enthusiasts and potential investors.

A spokesman for the White House toasted the burning saying she would not be intimidated by “some senile old planet’s concerns” in the face of profits. She said the unfortunate row was generated by and produced for malcontents and socialists who think the survival of the planet is more important than money.

“What fools,” she said. “I drive a new car. They take the bus.”

“It looked mighty authentic,” quipped one of two Senators from Wyoming. “It even had the Great Seal of the Solar System on it. At first it looked like an IRS love letter or a draft notice but after further examination it resembled a parking ticket.”

Congressional Republicans constantly host bonfires/book burnings on the White House lawn every Wednesday night where lies are rampant and the news is buried. Articles, essays, certificates and manuscripts, deemed critical of the president, are methodically discarded by the brainless and destroyed by the eternal flames of greed and indifference.

The Planet Earth’s next move is anyone’s guess.

– Tommy Middlefinger

“I didn’t see where I had any other options.”

-Melvin O’Toole, when asked what drove him to embrace silliness, the ridiculous and the absurd.


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