How they voted

Here’s how Colorado’s elected officials voted on major issues last week.

The Adoption of Turkish as the official language

Embraced by 279-143, the House approved a measure to study the fiscal affects of speaking Turkish in the chambers. The now adopted $1.8 billion budget would be placed on hold until the Senate OKs matching funds. According to a bill proposed by M Toole (R-Northumbria) the language requirement would be hinged on wind making technology and the medical uses for sagebrush. Opponents of the motion were furious when told that the road signs and silly gov’ment pamphlets would have to be translated even though no one reads them anyway. The concept of fiscal responsibility was then struck from the record and everyone went to lunch.

Voting Yes: Hemplemeyer, Kirby, Toole

Voting NO: Wanna, Elway

Pork Barrel Politics

The House again refused to change plans to serve pork ribs on Fridays despite the arrival our Arab allies. Foreign aid has not been on the docket since the British stopped sending money to the colonies in 1776. Recipients of foreign aid will continue to be the military branch of government in most cases. World Bank debts were reclassified and can now be collected from funds earmarked for schools and piggy infrastructure.

All Colorado lawmakers voted NO

To renege on minimum wage packages

The Senate voted unanimously to end debate n minimum wage packages, cut all foreign aid and give itself a raise. Extra funds will be shipped to Eastern Europe rather than Africa because the residents are White. Funds gathered from postal fees saved will be used to build prisons and repair holes in the new Vera Cruz and Sonoran Immigration Fence.

Fiscal Relief for the Middle Class

Not enough elected officials in the room to validate vote or quorum unless domestics and limo drivers cast votes.

To Include warning labels of marriage licenses

By 87-3 the Senate agreed to send emergency legislation to the White House for verification and storage. This controversial bill has been on the back burner since 1900. Proponents seek a warning label like that displayed on tobacco products. In addition a kicker requires that all intimate agreements between labor and management be transparent and clearly defined especially in the areas of childbirth and lawn maintenance.

Voting in favor: Estelle Marmotbreath, Fred Zeppelin

Voting No: Electoral Emma, Joey, Sinbad the Baby Gorilla, Vinny.


“You don’t stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.”

– Michael Pritchard

Filed Under: Fractured Opinion


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