Horseshoe Readership Figures Disputed

(Colona) Dead people, ghost towns, morgues, fictitious literary characters, cartoons and in one case an entire hotel registry of guests from 1898 have allegedly been claimed as regular readers in the latest San Juan Horseshoe demographics survey released this week.

Along with these fringe aficionados of refried news the paper claimed 350 readers in tiny Maher, which boasts a population of 20, 7500 readers in Naturita and over 12,000 readers overseas despite the fact that there is no mailing receipt or any indication that the paper has left the country.

In addition the publisher has named included his mother on the subscriber list at least 30 times and claims regular perusal by dogs, cats, livestock and exotic birds.

“How they got hold of the team rosters for the NHL, NFL and NBA is anyone’s guess,” said investigating officers sent to Colorado by the FCC. “Claims that all of the players read every issue are common balderdash.”

The principals at the paper face prosecution for misleading advertisers, mail fraud, and illegal dumping.

“We became suspicious when the Horseshoe readership figures outpaced massive urban dailies like the New York Times and the San Francisco Chronicle,” said one of the federal snoops. “In one case the Western Colorado flyer registered digestion levels higher than the Denver Post and added that its pages were interpreted by “a high percentage of the filthy rich.”

Publisher General Kashmir Horseshoe told the press that he expects to beat the mail fraud rap but that the littering infractions might stand.

“We can’t deny hard evidence like the papers in the Uncompahgre River but I expect that our sales associates will go on lying to advertisers just like before. In over 42 years of publication “dressing up the truth” and “painting pretty pictures” has become tradition and is still in vogue.”

Horseshoe went on to say that there is no proof that the dead cannot read and that hundreds of tropical birds and puppies often catch a glance of headlines or scan the obituaries while doing their business.

“They represent documented readers,” he laughed. “Many, in fact are contributors as well.”

– Small Mouth Bess

Filed Under: Fractured Opinion


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