HOLIDAY HOROSCOPE

Are you in need of constant cosmic reassurance? Do you dial late night psychics in the privacy of your own home? Do you actually believe that some mere mortal can tell the future after shuffling cards, reading tarots or throwing tobacco leaves up into the air? You probably vote every November too, don’t you. Instead try perusing the following batter bowl of star-gazer pastry.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Your birthday will be ignored again this year with all the Christmas hype. Hire a few apostles to bring your situation to light. It worked for another well-known Capricorn. Too much rum will fog up the mistletoe. This can be good or bad depending on the quality of the holiday crop. If you feel out of balance it’s because you are out of balance. Try standing on your head until March. You would be very vulnerable to losing money this month except that you have none to lose. Your goldfish adore you. If you must stuff a stocking with Spam, at least leave it in the can. Santa likes his eggs over easy. In-laws expected over the holidays? Give them your bed and book passage on a flight to South America.

AQUARIUS (January 20 -February 19)

If you insist on fishing for compliments use your best line. Plug in your car since your ruler, Mercury, is expected to go into retrograde tonight. Pay bills only after initial threats are received. Concentrate on what’s important: Find your sweet patootie. Your snow tires could be under a lot of pressure this month. Try a little understanding even if the elves fly off the handle once too often. Yes, Santa Claus…there is a Virginia and you owe about $300 in overdue parking fines there. Planning for the future will simply result in more organized failure as the new moon passes overhead. Take on challenges one schlepp at a time. Screen all fruitcake. Avoid cheap cigars at romantic moments and schlocky Christmas cards altogether. Tonight: Whittle till you puke.

PISCES (February 20 -March 20)

Spawning in the wrong circles could be curtains for little fishy. Stay clear of frying pans and hush puppies till the weather breaks. You are far less attractive than you realize. You may be on a roll but so is the liver pudding. When the spoils of salvage include reindeer jerky get the sleigh taste out of the meat before drying it. When it comes to the American work ethic look to the little man from the North Pole. He works one night a year and is applauded by millions as a hero. Could this concept work for you? If you have been thinking about committing yourself to some kind of cause or campaign why not go the full gambit and commit yourself to an institution. They have kitchens and a place to sleep. Santa Claus is real. You are not. Tonight: Have breakfast in bed.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

It is your responsibility to make sure that your love life/relationship/marriage does not become academic/tedious/mundane/. Variety is the answer/key. Tonight why not try apologizing/making up first and fighting later. If a business partner/client is off the wall put him/her/it through the wall at earliest convenience. Use lots of slashes and other odd punctuation throughout the holidays. It will either confuse and/or impress. Christmas shopping can be simplified by purchasing by the case at your friendly, local liquor outlet. If there is an odd bottle or two left over stuff your own stocking. In order to relieve the stress of all this shopping be sure to stop at your local tavern before heading home to pass out and/or wrap your treasures. Note: Drinking to excess has always been an option at family gatherings. Tonight: Take a THC break.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

It doesn’t matter what everyone else is doing. What matters is that you’re not doing anything. Someone has spilled gourmet coffee on your star chart. Your creativity is at a high point. Today is perfect for making cookies or bombs in the basement. If fiscal worries have you singing the blues try peddling your version with a country twang. People actually buy that kind of garbage. Remember: The first step to solving any problem is to deny it. Limit other vocal arrangements to the shower. Assert yourself this month: You don’t have to sell the daily special to pets. Let them order directly from the menu if they are so smart. Remember: Nobody ever cut themselves chopping electricity or natural gas. Send all creditors small Christmas presents in lieu of cash. Surely they will understand.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)

Hibernation is socially acceptable just so long as you brush your teeth afterwards. There are days when nothing goes right no matter how hard you try and other days when everything goes right even though you don’t try at all. Stay in bed till mid-afternoon then check the mail for goodies. If you must count on other people try not using their fingers to do so. Check all brightly wrapped gift baskets for subtle ticking noises. Distinguish between your worst friend and your best enemy. Maybe they are the same person. If the sun is reluctant to shine down on you try adjusting blinders. Many doors will open for you this month letting in little more than an annoying draft. Tonight: Swoon.

CANCER  (June 21 – July 22)

Hate Christmas? You’ve been in excellent company over the years. Hitler disliked the holiday so much that he took Paris. Oliver Cromwell and John Chivington pouted through the entire season while General Sherman wouldn’t even let his men have trees in their tents. The Puritans levied a fine for celebrating the secular holiday. Joe Stalin outlawed mistletoe in the Ukraine because the peasants were turning it into borscht. Charlie Manson wouldn’t buy presents until December 26. We can’t think of any female scrooges this time around. Avoid carolers. Brick up your chimney. Somehow, even with your rotten spirit, the whole event will still cost you money. Enjoy.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Changing tires on a tiny sleigh is no easy matter. Give yourself a little credit for what you have already accomplished. A little humor could break the ice with strangers while out angling on the frozen lakes of desperation. Get to know other fruitcakes this holiday season. A overweight elf will fight you for your favorite bar stool. Get to know your limit when eating and drinking by consistently eating and drinking your limit. Separate fantasy from reality and pretty wine bottles from the rest of your trash. Many on your team are posers. Your favorite aunt/uncle is coming for a visit. Keep them away from your favorite husband/wife.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Satisfy sadistic tendencies by leaving Santa chocolate doughnuts, grapefruit juice and salsa on Christmas Eve. Speak clearly when using other people’s credit cards over the phone. The best time for dieting is next year. The best time for romance was last year. The best offense is a good pretense. Don’t feel bad if your presents were less than expected. Late arrivals in this arena could be the best ones and after all, the mail is slow over the holidays. Without an agenda you could get caught without an agenda. Punch out an elf before retiring for the evening. Tonight: Spend time with reclusive pariahs.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Maybe Santa Claus doesn’t believe in you either. Buy yourself an expensive Christmas present and tag it “from a secret admirer”. This may generate a bit of jealous lust on the part of your sleepy mate. Do not produce the note in your own handwriting. Offers to play Santa do not necessarily reflect your jolly nature or jovial personality. It’s just hard to find warm bodies out there that are shaped correctly. It’s high time you lost a few pounds since you can’t really walk around wearing the red suit in January. Go Caroling as long as she is paying. Eat more fruitcake.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 22)

Your competitive nature could get you in hot water over the Christmas season. Let the traditional characters have the limelight for a change. When at the grocery be on the lookout for that rich, seductive stranger in the cereal aisle. Don’t be offended by lewd advice from checkouts or a casual brush back pitch from cartoons on the boxes. Sociopathic tendencies might be a premium in post-holiday soirees. If you wish for something too hard you still might not get it. Spend quality time with your woodpile. Tough decisions await you tomorrow, but hey, it’s still today. Tonight: It’s gonna get dark again.

SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 21)

All this targeted good humor and charisma is getting old. Try the scrooge approach and people won’t expect you to be nice for Christmas. In January you can then make up for the dirty business of late December. Open doors, aluminum cans, refrigerators, windows, minds, charge accounts, wallets and champagne carefully through the holiday season. A rare Yuletide lunar eclipse could put you face-down in the fruitcake can of upward mobility. Avoid button-up flies and bees in the bonnet. If bad habits were secure collateral, you could take out a fifteen-year mortgage on a new personality. Get some exercise this afternoon by walking down to the bar for a change.

– General Kashmir Horseshoe, Staff Unitologist

Filed Under: Reflections on Disorder

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