Highway 50 Toll Road Opens Today

(Montrose) Motorists will now pay a minimal fee for the right to operate their vehicles on Highway 50 from Monarch Pass to Grand Junction according to a spokesman for the Colorado Department of Transcendental Mobility and Gravitational Dimensions.

The fee, larger than a bread box, but smaller than the national debt, will be levied based on weight, distance traveled and attitude. Tips are appreciated.

Heavier vehicles, especially tractor-trailers that already pay considerable road tax, will be charged slightly higher than say, tin yupster four-wheel-drive transports and microbuses.

“We don’t like to let this kind of cat out of the bag since people might think we’re all sitting around on our asphalt,” said Princess Irm Peawit, whose father Reginald Peawit was recognized as King of the Highway during a stint as Detector of Roads and Bridges during the Eisenhower years.

“After all, I just sort of inherited this job and, well, I wouldn’t want people to think I’m taking my responsibilities lightly. Hell, I might want to run for governor or even dog catcher down the primrose path,” she stressed.

Peawit went on to explain that the toll concept actually saves taxpayers a bundle since it negates overtime paid out to idle billboard stretchers, perplexed tattoo artists and semi-retired blacktop consultants. She refused to retrace the horizontal math employed in the decision making process but hinted that it was “a no-brainer” to decide what color to paint the lines on the highways.

“People who complain about the toll or react in what is perceived as a hostile manner will be charged more and in some cases held up for hours,” said Peawit.

“All of our toll engineers are equipped with an assortment of stun-guns and two-way radios. We realize this charge is inconvenient for most motorists but one has to understand that poor highway maintenance still costs money.”

When asked what her department has done with tax revenues earmarked for roads, Peawit referred to the notes written on her arm and said, “We have been informed that those funds will be used to build stadiums for wealthy sports franchises over in Denver.”

Bighorns on Highway 50 near Blue Mesa. Will they too pay tolls this winter?

Coincidentally the toll road opens just prior to the expected annexation of Parlin by Gunnison and the arrival of tourist ski season.

“We have to keep up with corn prices,” said Peawit who echoed projections that the city of Montrose will be twice the size of Denver by the year 2026. The nearby hamlet of Colona has billed itself as The New LA by 2030.

“Hard to believe, isn’t it,” she quipped, distancing herself from the frightening projections.

In a related piece, sources are mum with regards to a rumor that the Colorado House has approved a transaction that would send Colorado water to California in return for an extended culture package.

– Uncle Pahgre

“In Kentucky and Tennessee settles were thrown from their beds and heard timbers of their cabins wretch apart and watched the bricks crumble into heaps of debris masked in choking clouds of dust. Bridges snapped and tumbled into rivers and creeks. Glass shattered, fences and bars collapsed and fires broke out. Steep ravines and cliffs slipped filling accompanying chasms, and the country was blanketed with a deafening roar. Such was the great sign of Tecumseh.”

– from The Frontiersmen by Alan W. Eckert

Filed Under: Reflections on Disorder

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