GOP Scheme Seeks to Anglicize Southwest

A plan calling for the gradual Anglicization of Southwestern locales with Spanish names appears to have the House stamp of approval.

Called a deterrent to migration, the move has offended almost everyone. A map with the newly named towns and cities is planned for the north side of the wall. The south side of the wall will be left blank for anti-American graffiti that will be added later.

“We have the votes,” said one wealthy senator from the Know Nothings.

“No you don’t,” screamed a Whig, shaking his walking stick in the air.

“Asshole.”

“Asshole.”

Well-known, prominent southwestern cities and towns that might be destined for disruption include Santa Fe, Laredo, San Antonio, Chama, Buena Vista, Palo Alto, Mancos, Cortez, Mesa, Espanola, Del Rio, Dolores, Las Cruces, Reno, Salida, Sierra Vista, El Paso, Albuquerque, Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Santa Barbara, Raton, Rico, Nogales, Escondido, Arroyo Hondo, Casa Grande, San Luis Obispo, Monterrey, San Francisco, Durango, San Luis, Mosca, Corpus Christi, Antonito and Colona. Get it?

Although nothing has been etched in stone, geographic luminaries say Santa Fe would soon be Saint Fred, Los Angeles would be Carbon City and Durango renamed Roseville. Mesa Verde, San Juan and LaPlata are on the moniker chopping block as well but, as one backer of the bill said, “We can only work so fast.”

Moving swiftly but taking note of religious names in place, one wealthy evangelists wants to name all of the towns after Biblical places and a few after himself.

If we use saints we want real American saints,” said Phillip Pharisee of Villa Basura . “

At present many favor renaming the colonial and mission designations after elected officials, military leaders, sacred cows, lobbysists and mega corporations in the United States.

During a Money First enchilada dinner protesters held signs saying, “This land is my land” and “Mi lugar, su camino” They were soon forced from the hall by counter demonstrators who do not spell or speak their own language well.

“Once we get these names corrected we’ll move on the rivers, canyons and mesas…oops I mean “table top mountains”…soon we’ll have the whole place sounding like the real America.”

The bill goes back to the Senate Thursday if the gov’ment stays open.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Filed Under: Soft News

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