GOD HOLDING BACK ON DAMAGE DEPOSIT

In a rare proviso, the Big Boys in Heaven, have resolutely ordained that the damage deposit on earth, allegedly paid by one Adam and his wife Eve (no last name given) many centuries ago, will not be returned.

Judged to be authentic even though it had no return address, the dictatorial edict is expected to have far-reaching affects. If the caveat is put in motion it would almost certainly cause frantic migrations, a food crisis and could throw flags and nationalism into the toilet.

The undisclosed sum, held in trust for thousands of years, was an integral part of the overall agreement signed when humans first rented the planet. The amount in question was not made public although with economic factors such as inflation and interest, experts say it is somewhere in the neighborhood of 25 trillion dollars.

Several in Congress are attempting to make contact with the Landlord but to no avail. Even politicians who claim to talk to God everyday are perplexed and frustrated by the turn of events.

“They should have seen this coming,” said one environmental activist. “They moved in to a perfectly clean, well stocked, paradise but trashed the place.”

Another was not so kind.

“I don’t know why an all-knowing being allowed them to continue to live there,” said an EPA official who demanded anonymity. “I’d have kicked their arses out the first time they were late on a rent payment.

“The United States,” he said, is the worst perpetrator since that country had the ways and means to combat the growing disaster and did little preferring to adopt a tragic ideology saying that everything on earth was for their consumption without peril.”

Authorities were hesitant to confirm the obvious. The humans, they say, have done some wonderful things while inheriting the earth and that “we are dedicated to making it a better place for all.”

Many in Congress see the foggy move as a bluff, saying that  God would have a tough time finding renters for such a large property. They stressed that the communique was in code and quite vague depending on how one read it.

“We need to make a deal with Him and secure a few indications of what’s up next. Those monies are earmarked for our next pay raise.”

An earthly spokesman for the Heavens (We certainly have an overrun) says he believes God is quite serious about the breakup.

“The sore points,” he flinched, “revolve around the destruction of the seas, the uneven distribution of wealth, over-population, the ozone, the celebration of ignorance, programmed fear, rampant distrust, and mindless greed.”

“There is a whole roster within The 7 Deadly Sins. You could look it up,” he said

“You’ll see that money when hell freezes over,” continued the notice which stopped short of demanding immediate evacuation. “Evictions in some of the more ravaged regions will begin shortly.”

Several aborigine societies clustered around the globe will be exempt from the house cleaning, since their civilization has coexisted with natural laws as part of the framework of their civilization. Insiders suggest that these enlightened, often nomadic clans could inherit the whole ball of wax by virtue of an option to buy clause written into the next lease.

“You humans are already in his cross hairs. Nobody up here much like you since you have no respect for the gifts given you.  Dialogues de sourds (conversations of the deaf) will do nothing but antagonize heaven, a pleasant enough place many of you scoundrels will never see even from your Hummers and private jets.”

This morning a United Nations’ partisan commission was set up to review the situation. Members appeared clearly overwhelmed as to what a first step may constitute, according to seraphs familiar with omnipresent thinking patterns. After a few speeches and impotent motions the lawmakers adjourned for an extravagant luncheon featuring dolphin steaks, sea turtle soup, whooping crane meringue  with flambéed sea otter, and an assortment of other known intelligent delicacies, once deemed endangered species.

– Uncle Pahgre

Filed Under: Lifestyles at Risk

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