Ghost of Col. Sanders Haunts Chicken Plant

(Wimpton) He prowls the coops of the processing plant dressed in his white linen suit, a cadaverous, ghastly smile across his pasty face. His goatee is death-white too and almost starched, his glasses slip down his nose as he makes his nightly rounds. He casts no shadow as he monitors the last hours of the feathered inhabitants.

Sightings have become almost commonplace here in a land of thoroughbreds, Ezra Brooks and Kentucky colonels.

“We saw him one dawn after a night of plucking,” said Andrea Capone, who has worked at the processing plant since flunking out of Lee Harvey Oswald Middle School back in 1966. “He was real creepy and didn’t touch the ground. He just drifted through walls, clucking to himself.”

Para-psychologists say the appearance of apparitions such as Colonel Sanders are rare but do occur often in places linked to traumatic memories and unresolved guilt.

“We’ve had almost 300 reported sightings since summer,” said Dr. Wince Ardvarke, of Cal Amari College. “Certainly all of these witnesses can’t be crazy.”

Ardvarke, Professor of Macabre Economics at the well respected Pacific Coast institution gained fame after recording a posthumous conversation with the ghost of Jean Laffite on the River Road near New Orleans in 1980. He is author of the best selling novel Phantoms in the Pudding (Testosterone Brothers, Boston) in which he clearly states:

“Why are people so surprised at the presence of ghosts like these roaming around after dark? Do they think the afterlife is so glamorous? Imagine sitting around playing cards or dominoes with a bunch of pale riders all morning then shuffleboard with more spooks in the afternoon. Anyone would want to break free of this bond and do a little exploring.”

Ardvarke laughed when asked by one cynical reporter if ghosts were dangerous.

“No more dangerous than eating a diet of grease-fried chicken and instant mashed potatoes,” he said. “Just so long as ye warsh it down with a toss of Basil Hayden’s.”

Local police have promised to increase patrols in the vicinity as well as around the nearby turkey processing plants buzzing with pre-holiday activity.

Who knows,” cackled one officer, “we might even see Miles Standish or that Longfellow character out for a stroll looking for a gob of moonshine giblet gravy.”

     

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