High Altitude Blues

(Dallas Divide) Reading gardening magazines this time of the year can lead to serious depression according to a local psychologist. People who habitually peruse these glossy periodicals run the risk of embracing serious doldrums after looking at pictures of colorful flowers and green grass, then glancing outside at leftover, often discolored, windswept snow.

“The safest way to handle this potential problem is to wait until about May or even June to examine these magazines,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, a local circuit shrink whose practice spans an area from Lizard Head Pass to Sargents. “Every year, despite our frank warnings, we treat more and more people for this malady.”

Pennywhistle says that the condition often surfaces as early as February, after the first warm weather descends on the area.

“These spectacular days are nothing but teasers, as most of us know,” he said, “but somehow our subconscious convinces us that winter is over and summer is on the way. This is dangerous ground on which to proceed, even if it is beginning to thaw out.”

Pennywhistle suggests that gardening enthusiasts pull the drapes and stay inside if they feel compelled to expose themselves to these drastic contrasts. He suggests daily sessions with all kinds of of fertilizer followed up by nightly soil inhalants.

Adding that the practice of sending more chronic cases to the Amazon for a month has worked in the past but that newer, more potent, cases of the blues have began surfacing a few years ago.

“Geographical therapy is less and less effective. This depressed state is not good for other people and plants who have to deal with this sadness on a day to day basis either. It affects entire communities. If the truth be known, I prefer that my clients stick to snowmobile and skiing magazines until at least the Fourth of July .”

– Fred Zeppelin

“Would that the Roman people had a single neck” (to cut off their head)  – Emperor Caligula (Gaius Caesar)

Filed Under: Soft News


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