Future souls made of plastic says Heaven

A majority of souls issued after 2025 will to be made of plastic according to cherubs on offshore clouds, familiar with this sort of thing. The synthetic material is said to be akin to the thin, crisp plastic used for credit cards and exploratory medical procedures.

Heaven has reportedly been running short of the secret raw materials used to construct the traditional soul. In light of the way humans sometimes treat theirs it should come as no surprise that a crisis has emerged.

Generally issued at birth, souls have been the focus of religious and spiritual searching and often seen as the leg up that humans have over other animals. The ancients have alluded to the status of good souls or bad souls but very few really understand the phenomenon of the whole.

Even though we can’t see or touch them we all seem to realize that they are there and that they perform an integral part of being human. The soul is the hinge to integrity, compassion and conscience. Some scientists and clerics believe that not everyone was born with one.

“This could explain the existence of evil people on the planet,” said one faith healer who claims to have identified over 3000 auras in her lifetime. “When we say James Brown had soul we are talking about something altogether different. Soul is what makes us pleasing to the gods. Soul is why we get out of bed in the morning. Soul makes us look up into the sky for something familiar.

“Just because someone is soulless doesn’t mean they are heartless too,”  said our source. “We can offer these chronic sufferers forehead chips that will substitute for a real soul. The recipient will notice heightened awareness of other beings and a sense of belonging which may not be advantageous in these mean times.

Look: Manfred Sycamore, recognized as the last full time elevator operator in North America (working at at Omaha’s now shabby Downtown Ribeye Hotel) claims that the souls of the dead ride with him on the elevator all the time.

“There’re eight of them in here right now,” said Sycamore, and I’m expecting another batch after the movie lets out.

To find out if you have a soul dial 1 800- OMY-SOUL. Warning: We are experiencing a high volume of calls.

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