Fun Menu Ideas for the Welfare State

by Evelyn P. Throcmorton

If things are getting tight around your abode why not look around the room and discover potential culinary treasures that will bring back the joy to your dinner table. Get the whole family into the act. Mon, dad, junior, sis and even grandma can use their very own common sense to help develop a gracious dining pattern even when the wheels are falling off. Here is a sample menu made exclusively of household items that is sure to get you started on the road to good eating!

First, let’s try a sample question: What’s noisy and expensive and gets people in to trouble more than not?  Right…the instrument of chaotic intrusion…the cell phone. Why not “snip the wires” on yours today and eat it for lunch. Good idea, you say…why didn’t I think of that.

However, it’s not very easy. How does one prepare a cell phone for consumption? All you need is a little old-fashioned confidence and a can of lard. (Refer to The Five Chinese Plastic Food Groups for more). Cooking techniques vary with the individual whether in a five star kitchen or crouched in the hallway, knee deep in fortune cookies.

You can bake a cell phone or roast one. Frying it doesn’t work since the phone absorbs grease much like rumors and gossip. While steaming takes the wild taste out of the thing. it often leaves the meat rather tough and stringy. The best way to serve cell phone is boiled. I know it sounds boring but trust me it works out best in the end. Just put it in a saucepan with some sautéed teddy bears and an alarm clock or two (salt to taste). Kitchen match fondue recipe fits like a glove when we’re talking mind-altering tapas or simple criss-cut toilet paper sandwiches.

Some of these dust collector stews are featured in my first book The Pickled Welfare Worker. But now it’s time for our weekly card…our daily soft shoe.

MONDAY: Since Mondays are always a pain in the ass and all the family are going in wild tangents why not bench your culinary talents and serve something light but nutritious. My family jumps for joy when they smell bowling bag au Gratin in the oven. Serve with heaping bowls of mother-in-law soup, goose down dinner rolls and then surprise ‘em with Atari jello for dessert.

TUESDAY: For lunch while dad’s at the office spoil the kids and grandma with telephone books in a blanket, tuna cans on a stick and shoe polish sundaes. They’ll love you for it. If it’s a school day be sure to prepare extra portions since the kids will undoubtedly want to bring their friends home to sample this treat!

WEDNESDAY: Dad’s come home drunk again and probably won’t be hungry until 2 am but the rest of the crew will drool in apprehension when you mention stick deodorant on a bed of wild, spliced shower curtain. For diversity pour over junk mail broth and garnish with blackened trash bag filets with a pinch/splash of worn out underwear syrup. Too bad, dad.

THURSDAY: Everyone needs high fiber foods in their diet. Start with slightly shredded coat hangers on wheat toast (hot wire on a shingle for you diner sloths) with seaweed livers and ostrich lampshade sparkles and discarded lobbyist heart. Follow it up with flaming garage door openers and candied ant traps. Serve only with pictures of exotic desserts cut out of survival manuals.

FRIDAY: Toothpaste burritos and crème-de-la-cara make Mexican night fun for everyone. Even people who don’t like Mexicans have a good time. It’s south of the border night in Winnipeg! For a snappy go-along try rolling up the carpet and dipping in sweet and sour unpaid bills.

SATURDAY: THE ENTIRE FAMILY will flip over our Saturday Night Special of the late Chef Musick’s chicken lips in vacuum bags smothered in foot powder and linoleum crisps. For dessert, you’ll be having razor blade pie with all the trimmings!

SUNDAY: It’s high time to relax after church with dog hair sandwiches and barbecued garden tools (and don’t forget the kitty litter grits!). It’s easier than eating out!

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Filed Under: Fractured Opinion


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