Franklins Recalled

(Denver Mint) The United States Treasury has begun pulling popular Benjamin Franklin $100-dollar bills out of circulation. The action follows a wagonload of charges linked to alleged sexual indiscretion on the part of American icon dating back to the 1700s.

Franklin, a gifted inventor, intellectual and signer of the Declaration of Independence has been accused of initiating unwanted predatory sexual advances by a cross-section of woman in both Philadelphia and Paris from 1760 – 1785. No one has admitted or denied anything at this time, in part because the actions allegedly took place over 230 years ago.

Whether creditable witnesses can be reached or if accusers will simply emerge is anyone’s guess. Potential prosecutors are still out to lunch on the matter and, what with the clogged courts, a preliminary hearing has already been kicked back to 2023.

Official USA-IOU Bar Napkins will temporarily replace the currency. These are available at various government outlets and through the Office of Tax Reduction and National Debt. In addition voters can pick up the coded bar napkins at the polling booth in November unless the world ends first. The original Franklins, for decades honored as proud standards of our republic, are now technically out of circulation.

Benjamin Franklin often dismissed critics (vis-a-vis his pants down approach) citing his chronic gout, adding that it was still the 18th Century and the progressive ideas promoted by the Sons of Liberty did not yet tender sympathy for the plight of female counterparts or consequences for perpetrators. In short: It wasn’t his fault that he was charming and of means. It wasn’t his doing that created the sins of Paris. He was only a studious observer who felt compelled to join in and enjoy what he was observing.

It remains unclear whether it will end up being cheaper to simply substitute for the engraving of Franklin and keep the current bills or print brand new ones with someone else’s mug in the hot spot. Citizens have already filed 2000 nominations to replace the late and amorous statesman. Some arrive with little kites and keys attached. Some are written in Chinese and Russian.

An alternate/radical printing effort in Denver has proposed using not Poor Richard (from the almanac) but instead Little Richard, the rock n roller, on the bills. Three times as many people interviewed by phone recognized the song “Betty Lou’s Gettin’ Out Tonight than could identify the “A penny saved is a penny earned”. So be it.

“By the time they plough through all the red tape $100 will be worth only $50 anyway,” said a local numismatist, “so it might be easier to trade blankets for whiskey. Get it?”

– Fanny Albright

Filed Under: Lifestyles at Risk

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