FOX TO PAY VOUCHERS TO ENTHUSIASTS, COHORTS

Viewers who publicly endorse the FOX News philosophy and regularly parrot statements heard on the network, will begin receiving cash payments as part of Operation Wool Eyes starting next week.

The recipients of the checks are expected to continue to disseminate questionable “facts” and hateful gossip in low-end intellectual circles according to people familiar with the payouts. The checks will be sent in brown paper envelopes with no return address for security purposes.

     “FOX supporters have reacted to money like chickens pecking for corn in controlled psychological experiments,” said Edward R. Toole, author of  Where is the FCC? Imposters in a Counterfeit Newsroom.

     Toole calls most television news “bogus at best” but points to FOX as the most damaging to the American consciousness. He equates an audience that embraces and advances misleading stories to cigarette smokers who deny the dangers of second-hand smoke.

     “They would rather espouse hypocrisy and cling to scheming propaganda disguised as news than research the issues,” he continued. “Opinions are like..you know… Everybody has one.

     “The talking heads at FOX barely qualify as reactionaries since they don’t actually react but rather substitute fabricated news that fans the fires of ignorance and mistrust,” he explained.

     “MSNBC, CNN , and even NPR are no longer worth their salt since they have dropped the ball and sold out, accepting advertising from evil corporate entities such as Wal-Mart, Monsanto and a bevy of fast food chains. These news sources are not valid either since they advance their own fiscal agendas at the expense of well rounded information and thus a more educated public.”

     FOX has reportedly come out of the closet on the pay vouchers/checks after realizing that the American people were not paying attention to any of the network’s deceitful policies.

     “It’s not hard to herd sheep,” said Toole. “Its all linked to tedious repetition and a lack of tolerance and progressive thought…you know…like logic.”

     Famous immigrant and corporate pirate, Rupert Murdoch, owner of FOX News, did not return our phone calls regarding these developments since they were made from a courtesy phone over at the Supreme Quart.

     “We don’t make a habit of giving out personal phone numbers to creeps like that,” said Toole.

     The amount of the cut checks is directly related to the level of fraud the recipients are willing to ignore. Someone who constantly ape’s the FOX viewpoint might get a few hundred dollars every six months or so while more subdued spectators can expect significantly less, maybe enough for a  ticket to Nascar or a box of bullets.

     If you would like to apply to receive these entitlements send your name and contact information, bank routing number, proof of income, last grade attended, race, gender and a photo of your personal arsenal to FOX News, 1211 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10036 or call 212-301-3000. Packages delivered to Trump Towers will either be returned two sender or destroyed.

     Please include a short statement explaining why you love FOX News. We will get back to you shortly after an investigation into your FBI files, political allegiances and voting history. – Kashmir Horseshoe

“Guns don’t kill people…Camp chili does.”  – Elmer Fudd, famous hunter

     

Filed Under: Lifestyles at Risk

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