Fly Swatting Academy To Offer Seminars

Mel’s Fly Swatting Academy is again teaching the intrinsic art of fly swatting

in an almost absurdly low student-professor ratio.

They say: (Advertisement)

“It’s fly season again and time to tune up that lazy eye, that smooth stroke, that tight, consistent follow-through. A fly-free home is a happy home and enlightened swatting is incremental to a buzz-free environment.

“Who cares what the bastards do outside? I don’t even want to think about it. It’s your space we are talking about here but you MUST SIEZE IT!”

“It’s all true. Filthy disease-ridden balls of scum (No, not people who hold different political views than you) are these garbage-breath intruders. The buzzing buggers serve little purpose with the possible exception of industrial excrement transport or highlighting the status of unattended buttermilk.

“Then let’s get down to it, says Mel’s. “We can improve your life by enhancing the manner in which you deal with just one little plague-mongering pest. We are not talking about moose hunting or shark diving…or even wild marmot stew. We are talking about bringing flies to their knees.

“Our professional staff can turn you from a flitter to a smasher extraordinaire in less than a week. Daily, hourly seminars bring out the natural ability and instill a sense of can-do. The cost, although prohibitive, is well worth it given the peace of mind and the sense that you can dominate one surly aspect of nature.

“And you say this is stupid? Already there are leagues competitive teams with paying sponsors. Yes, the real world is on board and you hicks best get wise quick. While you’ve been riding the hay bale picking your teeth others are getting ahead. That means $$$$$$.

Example Lesson #2

We walk you through The Stare (patented) where the stalker freezes the prey, creeps up and over-wails on the unsuspecting ball of vile snot. We then obsess on your follow through and show you the affects of the methodical, consistent flanking of one’s adversary. You will master The Stun and the 3-In One. Watch your friends tremble in envy, as your handicap becomes all but a negative number.

Of course the riches of the sport will elude many. Professional touring swatters are making the big dollars these days. The amateur can reach new heights but the right gear can run up to $8000 if one wants the state-of-the-art equipment. Fly fashion has never come cheap.

After three weeks of classes – We guarantee that you will pass your fly exams-class 3 or class 4 and go on to pursue and succeed at exceptional honors like Bambo Fly Killer, Red Belt, Wolf-Eagle Squash or join the elite Eat Poop Then Land in My Potato Salad Assassins.

Enjoy a marvelous and vehement summer minus these pests. For classes on mosquito, coyote, bear and skunk find us at

Remember: Hone your skills for BIG Buck Fly Season in Sept and October when the livestock come back down to earth and the deer fly bites.

For boarding school reservations, indentured arrangements and family visits dial 34.
Methodology accepted by Kill The Flies Without Extended Guilt (KFWEG). Do not kill spiders or bees. They sustain life.


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