Feds Raid Dating Service

(Colona) In what was initially perceived to be yet another muscle flexing on the part of Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), federal agents ransacked the offices of Wildcat Matchmaking last night seizing laptops, bank records and customer portfolios.

The fledgling business, that ICE insists is front for smuggling as well as massive money laundering, was shuttered immediately and several top executives were taken into custody and will be the subject of intense scrutiny while the meat of the investigation sizzles on the grill. Wildcat opened in April and claimed a rabid customer base of over 20,000.

“We don’t fully comprehend these colossal implications or the magnitude of the confiscations,” said a neighbor. “They seemed like nice enough people although they often blocked my driveway with their pink 1967 Mustang convertible. The billboards and neon were a little much too.”

An overnight ICE raid in Colona has left both citizens and the authorities in shock

No one in Colona admitted to using the service.

“The social life here is off the charts,” said one lifelong resident. “What do we need a matchmaking service for? We’re all already matched, some more than others. They could have been making moonshine, keeping contraband livestock and/or printing counterfeit currency. Nobody knows. Nobody cares.”

The authorities were tight-lipped implying only that jealously controlled Log Hill spice routes and a surge in lucrative weapons sales in the West End could easily start World War III.

“We’re here to put a stop to that,” said an ICE spokesperson.

-Alfalfa Romero

Filed Under: Lifestyles at Risk

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