(Lake City) The Federal Communications Commission has joined the debate over canine privacy on the web today promising to legislate, placate and procrastinate, then go for a long walk. For months the sensitive subject of pet rights on the Internet has been fodder for heated discussion here.

“My dog bought some bones and some other scented material, which she occasionally rolls in off the web and now they won’t leave her alone,” said June July, a local resident. “We get at least 30 marketing E-mails every day and, let’s face it, Sarah (July’s black lab) has little resistance to this aggressive sales approach. I wish I’d never arranged for her to have her own credit card.”

Classified ads, generally considered harmless a few months ago, can also be a source of trouble for unwitting dogs and cats.

“Spot answered a classified ad regarding a potential mate from Eastern Europe (an Afghan transplant) and now we find little charges on his card generated from places like Sofia and Bucharest, even Prague,” said Jake Arrowhead, of town. “He’s never been there that I know of. One day I came home and there were three mongrels hanging around my living room looking for a free lunch. When I offered tomato soup they got surly. It’s time we undress this annoyance once and for all.”

Dogs were once thought to be deities in ancient Hinsdale County and are still considered a priority in the good life.

“We don’t want our pets manipulated by computer chips or the arse holes behind them,” said July.

State Representative Ernie Woole has taken the matter all the way to the Supreme Quart asking that the law makers act. Speaking on Name That Neurosis talk show Woole threatened to expose the Internet charlatans to the rabies virus unless they police themselves.

“We will not have our dogs be made the victims of this electronic tyranny,” said Woodes, who is running for dogcatcher in October.

-Rocky Flats

Filed Under: Reflections on Disorder


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