Erectile dysfunction up 37% since January

(Minneapolis) Despite the passive-aggressive machismo, the nation is full of inept and clumsy lovers say doctors at the renown Mao Clinic here. Data collected, linking age to alcohol intake and after-dinner affections to thee-martini bed burner acrobatics, suggests that the situation is quickly deteriorating in an arena that few are willing to discuss openly.

“This performance was enabled when a top-ranking politician paid for sex and then lied about his escapades,” said one resident behavioral physicist on loan from Cal Polygamy Institute in Toronto. “We cannot clearly determine what that darkness might have generated when tossed out like pigeon feed to an already shell-shocked male population. When people easily accept what has always been immoral behavior as normal behavior they give up a part of themselves.”

Dr. Grace Ballgame fears that the situation is growing worse by the day. She warns of rampant denial, society’s acceptance of foreign stimulants, guilt, selfishness, expectation and the assorted hard copy of computer porn.

“All the fake bravado spewing up from Hell’s well is shaking the very foundation of what it means to be a functional male,” she continued. “Replacing love with lust is like replacing patriotism with slogans and jingoism. Even these people know the difference. They just want to blame someone in and out of the bedroom.”

Detractors of this and any other studies say it is simply a coincidence that the numbers jumped so dramatically in January in conjunction with feeble, unsubstantiated White House threats aimed at minorities, aliens, traditional allies, liberals, journalists, gays, Democrats, China, women, Canada and unions.

Sources inside the White House chose not to comment on the haunting analysis.

– Gabby Haze


“Well your blessed I guess

from never knowin’ which road you’re chosen.

To you the next best thing

to playin’ and winnin’ is playin’ and losin’.”

– from “The Lucky One” by Alison Krauss

Filed Under: Soft News


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