End of world already happened says scientist

(Ouray) A transcendental scientist here says the much-feared apocalypse (end of the world) has already taken place and that what we are seeing and experiencing now is simply a dream. Dr. Melrose Tinkleholland, BFD, LSMFT, former director of the Macro-Buddhist Study Institute on Red Mountain says the end came fifteen years ago but that everyone had been too busy and self-absorbed  to notice it.

“Today,” he asserted, “our entire spectrum is dependent on the generally Lilliputian human imagination to support cosmic flow created by the revolutions and desertions of other heavenly bodies.”

Tinkleholland, who catapulted to fame in early 1988 after proving that Elvis Presley was alive and living on the planet Neptune, is the former chair of the Department of Astrology and Sports Medicine at the prestigious Cal Amari Institute.

Later he offered strong evidence that our daily lives are an illusion created by our memories and fears.

“It’s like going to the movies without sound or even popcorn,” said the professor.

The extraterrestrials, he insists, not only visited our mountain towns during tourist season but that these every one of these space wanderers bought cowboy hats while in the Rockies.

“They still like to dress up like cowboys when given the chance,” said Tinkleholland. “Who wouldn’t?”

Pornographic evidence of an alien visitor riding a bull at the 2009 Ouray Rodeo is allegedly in the possession of the state police.

“He made it to the bell but then swallowed his chew,” laughed Tinkleholland. “They sure don’t make other world cowpokes like they used to.”

Restating his appraisal that our world is only a dream, the professor looked down his nose at assembled guests saying, “There’s really no reason to worry anymore. We might just as well have a good time. Bring me another rum!”

– Estelle Marmotbreath


“I coulda had lots of religion

saved for all to see

but fo’ bad women and smooth whiskey,

I just could not let them be.”

      – Jefferson Washington, “King of the Blues”

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