Elf Profiling Nets Viagra Bust

(Christmas Island)) Police here have arrested a dozen elves charging them with smuggling. The contraband, three kilos of viagra, was discovered during a routine stop. The elves say they were victims of profiling. The cops say their brake lights were out.

Distrust of strangers has always been part of the local culture here, especially on December 26 when the island is deluged with Christmas refugees like exhausted elves and cynical reindeer.

We don’t know what will happen to the elves, and frankly could give a damn. It was the headline that had potential.

If Santa intends to maintain his position of grandeur during the holidays, he must control his entourage. Every year citizens are subjected to foul language, brawling and petty theft. Last December we even observed three elves taking a leak off the roof of our newsroom.

Now, as many of you are aware, there is a big debate about elves in prison. Liberals whine saying the proportions indicate disparity of economic opportunity and outright racism. Crap.

The last thing we need to go with the Christmas hype is a bunch of crude little men, often inebriated, roaming the rooftops. Santa, dude, control your wee helpers. We are well armed and tired of their arrogance.

-Tommy Middlefinger

Filed Under: Reflections on Disorder

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