Duffer Attempts Bank Robbery With 7-Iron

(Montrose) When a man tried to rob Who’s On First National Bank with a seven-iron yesterday, he wasn’t expecting a golf lesson.

     The unidentified culprit, now in police custody, admitted that he was severely handicapped by tedious water hazards and hungry fairway bunkers that dotted the course ahead.

     “That’s too much club, mister. What are you doing brandishing a seven-iron when you are only 50 yards from the flag?” guffawed a veteran teller at the fiscal institution. “Open the club face. Bend your knees. Only a duffer would show up with with such a choppy backswing.”

     Stunned at the quick and unsolicited critique, the would-be robber stopped in his tracks, staring down at a bulging cash drawer just feet away.

     “Yeah, you should have used a sand wedge. Where did you learn to play golf?” echoed a loan officer on her way to lunch. “You’ve got a chip shot through the lobby and then a short putt to the safe. What were you thinking?”

     The crook then produced a leather suitcase and gestured for it to be filled with cash.

     “Wait just a moment, sir,” blasted a second teller. “If you choke up instead of choking up you would have the loft you need. A good golfer always takes a moment or two to read the green before putting.”

     Just then the bank alarm sounded.

     “The police are here,” laughed the loan officer. “They do not want to play through. Maybe you should take a mulligan on this bogey hole. Try it again and finish your swing!”

     By the time the police had entered the building the robber had dropped his club and was close to tears. He looked around at his critics and agreed his long shots were short and his short game was long.

     “Maybe there’s a driving range where you’re going,” snickered another bank employee, “but I doubt it.”

     “That’s about par for the unenlightened criminal mind,” said the arresting officer who apprehended the alleged perpetrator when he hacked at the ATM machine with a hybrid fairway wood.

     “These kind of golfers never learn,” the cop pontificated. “His chances for that elusive birdie will have to wait. Consistent golf swings do not fare well even in minimum security.”

– Wendell Shanker

Filed Under: Lifestyles at Risk

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