Praying for snow

(Crested Butte) As the old saying goes if you want a god to listen to your petty needs first you have to get his/her attention. Unlike the mule scenario, a club is not recommended. Rather, the snow sports enthusiast and the water user need to tune into certain rituals and observances to facilitate communication and secure the good will and blessings of our betters up there in the sky.

     In recent dry years the practice of petitioning the gods has grown into a mega business with network astrologists, television evangelists, and an assortment of voodoo vagabonds leading the way. Don’t be thwarted by these charlatans and moguls of miscalculation. The only way to secure the support of these celestial loafers is to follow the strict guidelines put down in this manifesto.

Hooking Up with the heavens

First of all one doesn’t want to waste a lot of time talking to the wrong god. Some of these beings specialize and care not to detour from their eternal quest. There are gods of war, goddesses of love and fertility, gods of drink, gods of game, gods of dispossession, gods of second-hand clothing…The list is endless. Before you seek the help of any god do your homework. Your credibility is important. (Note: Most gods speak English and respond to faxes, E-mails and other cumbersome baggage of the Information Age.) Keep in mind that all gods, even the Judeo-Christian god are not American citizens. While this is shocking to some, it has been substantiated time and again. To reach the specified god just look up into the sky and say, “Excuse us our interruptions and palpitations but, like, could you make it snow this afternoon?” If the god is sleeping, clipping his toenails or engaged in a board game, it might be better to call back in an hour.

Rituals are all important

It is considered rude to stand while talking to the powers in the sky. The correct posture is down on both knees (see figure #99) with eyes fixed to the sky. Keep favors concise and offer to do whatever it takes to placate the forces of nature. Always thank your chosen benefactor and burn offerings quickly so as not to be busted by atheistic air quality control personnel. It is not necessary to purchase gifts for your god since they pretty much have everything. Leaving a small glass of rum or a tumbler of Wild Irish Rose should do the trick, at least it has for the author. Going kosher is perfectly acceptable but not expected unless one is requesting intercession on matters of the Old Testament or looking for advice on custom tailoring or where to buy crumb cake.

Keep your karma, Parma

If you’re hoping to gain a positive response start by getting your affairs in order. Don’t kick the dog or yell at the neighbors. Be kind to your family and pay your local venders. Remember: This reincarnation racquet could be for real. Don’t run over marmots, respect trees and smile at everyone (even realtors, who might have been rabbits, snakes or your Uncle Jack in former lives). Most of the gods can spot a phony from miles off and are all too happy to lead solicitors on before dropping them on their heads. Incense is not necessary while praying unless the gods have cooked catfish the night before. When sending wee-mail address the god as Dr., Mr. or Ms. as in Dr. Powderzeus, Mr. Karishslush or Ms. Aphrodumpe. Etiquette is all important to the idle rich.

A little chanting goes a long way

The last thing your average god wants is noise. We suggest that you whisper or attempt to get your message across with simple telepathy. If you must talk do so in a monotone. There is no need for inflection or trying to stress a point. These cloud squatters have been around for centuries and have heard it all by now. When you engage a god in conversation state your purpose and desires plainly and distinctly. Don’t ask twice for the same privilege. If you’re looking for a genie in a bottle or a leprechaun’s gold you’re in the wrong story. This is mythology, not legend or hearsay. Most importantly: DO NOT WHINE to the gods. They, like everyone else in your life, cannot justify time spent in complaint.

Be prepared for live sacrifices

Some of the younger gods are still testing their worth and may ask for live sacrifices. Sheep, goats and cattle are generally favored. Chickens (plucked) are considered to be too small while elk (dressed out) are often too large to drag through the heavens. Most gods prefer their sacrifices cooked medium to medium rare. With this approach you are not screwed if your divine diner decides to send the fare back. Sacrificing a sandwich for lunch or a bowl of Wheaties for breakfast might work just so long as the other gods aren’t watching. Use good common sense and you’ll get through this part without lightning strikes or the rendering of plague or pestilence. Most people agree that swarms of locust are no fun. Incompetence here could spell disaster for the rest of us.

Consult our voice-mail index for further excursions

The Horseshoe has been constructing a virtual reality communications system (800-SNO-GODS) aimed at the sky. Although it has not been completed it has been released into cyberspace for your convenience. Please read the instructions before proceeding.

1. If you are not concerned with avalanches PRESS 2 NOW.

2. If you only want it to snow in specific regions PRESS 3 NOW.

3. If you want correspondence in Innuit or High Texan PRESS 4 NOW

4. If you’re looking for snowboard information please connect to our challenged web page at www.linkmissing.com.

5. If you think you’re a god and you’re trying to reach us try our wee-mail.

6. Establish ski in/ski out potential

7. If your particular god wants a bribe, offer rum or cigars. NO GLASS BOTTLES please.

8. If all else fails ask your dog to intercede for you. Most gods prefer housebroken dogs and cats to people for obvious reasons.

That should do you. Grab those knee pads and get to praying. Just be prepared to help clean up the mess.

Filed Under: Hard News


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