Dependence on foreign toilet paper nets dire proviso

(Washington) The White House this morning warned Americans of the inherent dangers lurking when trade imbalance and personal hygiene clash.

Toilet paper trees in Colombia

Sketching a dark future, President Trump told supporters that everything was terrific minus this one small caveat. He urged people to conserve stockpiled rolls and produce twice as much as last year. He praised the oil and linoleum industry and sang praises for those brave pioneers extracting the popular product by clear-cutting trees and drilling holes into the earth.

“And here’s to all of my compatriots sitting in public stalls, trapped in unfamiliar plumbing schematics, waiting in the rain for toilet paper,” he said, blasting the Chinese once again. “We are firmly in control here.”

A formal press release (on a roll of toilet paper) is expected by tomorrow. Critics are calling for a plunging on the domestic crisis and a complete flushing of initial response brokers and curious stock portfolios.

When asked by a reporter if he could reassure his constituency Trump responded by smiling, “Ask the Chinese”.  This reference to China was the latest promo for a coming installment of The Oriental Scapegoat, a new virtual TV drama where contestants shoot out the eyes of tin Chinese bogeymen who are spinning around in a circle while Trump looks on. The pilot program has received rave reviews in television audiences from Naples to Naperville.

You say Corona, I say Colona

Who would you most like to be quarantined with for three weeks? What a question. How about for three months? That might be a bit taxing. How much toilet paper would one need to encourage a pleasant ambience?

The Federal Government has released new procedural implementations:

Wash your car 3 times a day that way your hands are clean.

Pray with Mike Pence for guidance

No gum chewing in public

Wear clean underwear at all times (you know why).

In the event of nuclear germ fallout get under your desk and cover your head.

Stay at least 800 yards away from strangers

Self-quinine for three weeks or so

Sell unlatching sox before the market crashes

Terminate all international travel since the airlines aren’t operating anyway.

Avoid touching yourself.

Apply snake oil when anxiety peaks

Don’t call us – We’ll call you

Read Quarantined With Your Ego. How to deal with your self-conceptions in a world facing apocalypse.

Update: Several leading opinion polls indicate that less than .01% of all Americans who has raved on about creeping socialism will turn down a stimulus check when it arrives in their mailbox. This includes churches that have lost millions in tithing with closures and social distancing.

*After earlier hopes were dashed, it appears that virus does not affect pine beetles.

In closing you are all invited to the Corona Beer Rebranding Party scheduled for July 4 at the Manana Grange. Suds and Social Distancing is the tantalizing theme and risqué costumes are encouraged. CEOs of the beverage company will reach out into the country’s pocketbook with their team. Many will have recent bonus checks stapled their foreheads.

Tainted currency source of virus in US

Bulletin: Deep State of Emergency

Citizens are urged to avoid unnecessary contact with paper bills of all denominations. Higher denomination currencies seem to carry germs more contagious than ones and fives. Get ride of them all. Credit and debit cards are not completely safe either. Treasury notes and gold are the most lethal.

Bag it up and drop it at Department of Fiscal Fermentation, Mirrors and Security, 33 Whinnerah Ave, Colona, CO 81403. You should receive a receipt for the transaction in 300 days or so.

Filed Under: Soft News

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