“Dancing With Stars” Pairs Evil Despots

(Hollyrock) A troupe of the world’s most evil dictators will pair up for the finale of “Dancing with the Stars” next Monday night according to a network source. In addition to what many see as positive exposure on American television, the leaders of eight selected nations will compete for a spot on the prestigious, albeit expanding, Axis of Evil.

The original host of the extravaganza, Donald Trump, had to be replaced at the eleventh hour by a bowl of knock-off Russian caviar since he is busy playing President of the United States.

A creation of the Bush Administration, the Axis of Evil initially included such carefully choreographed acts as North Korea and Iran but ignored the evil ballroom accomplishments of such stalwarts as Myanmar, Saudi Arabia and China.

The eight tyrant couples that will compete in Monday night’s presentation include Omar Hassan Al-Bashir (Sudan) with Robert Mugabe (ex-Zimbabwe); Mahmoud Ackmadinejad (Iran) with Hu Jintao (China); Isayas Afeweki (Eritrea) with Than Shwe (Myanmar) and Kim Jong-un II (North Korea) with King Abdullah (ex-Saudi Arabia). Alternates (stand-ins) include deceased tyrants Muammar al-Quaddafi (Libya) and Hugo Chavez (Venezuela).

At the time of the selections there were no women tyrants in charge of entire nations, although some Argentines would argue the point.

Each team was hand chosen based on common traits and long-range goals. For example, human rights abuses are rampant in Iran and China while women are treated like livestock in North Korea and Saudi Arabia.

“We wanted the dancing couples to be in sync and have something to talk about during breaks in the action,” said dance floor supervisor Juanita Stalini. “Each will be outfitted with sophisticated translation devices that will allow for easy exchange of information. Heck,” she offered, “maybe the performers can pick up a few good totalitarian tips while waltzing around in front of the TV cameras.”

When asked why Dick “Dick” Cheney was not included in the roster Stalini did not comment. Viewers from the international audience had nominated the former vice president 3 – 1 in last month’s mail in ballot. Hollyrock insiders say negotiations broke down: Cheney’s interest quickly diminished when it became clear that performers would be executing dance steps sans compensation.

However, government pension millionaire Cheney will appear as a special guest. Although Cheney, like Bush was not technically a dictator as such he certainly exhibited designs toward that status. Cheney will reportedly interpret Wagner’s sunny opera, Die Meistersinger von Nurnberg where he will perform a snappy tap dance rendition and later join the entire troupe for the popular connect-the-dot two-step “She’s Too Fat for Me” polka to close the show.

Many of the participants see the television program as a chance to present themselves in a happy arena and to make points with the enthusiastic viewing public.

“Far too often dictators are perceived as stogie thugs who don’t take the time to smell the roses,” said Stalini. “We hope that the show helps to dispel hurtful stereotypes like these.”

This is the first time a reality show has been picked as a venue to determine the coveted Axis of Evil membership.

– Small Mouth Bess


“They got ‘em a car on time

and a brand new flat screen TV

While the rich keep telling them

“You’re free! You’re free! You’re free!

– from The Song of the Western Eunoch

Filed Under: Reflections on Disorder


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