Cows Showing Off Spring Brands

Branding cows has been part of the Western culture since the first bovines waddled off the tall ships of the Spanish Main. Elaborate or inornate, thousands of brands have been registered and people even make living inspecting the things. Some people think it’s harsh to burn a predominant mark into the side of a cow but actually they don’t feel much. It’s kind of like their logo.

Besides, considering the practice of summer grazing on large tracts of gov’ment land from here to the Utah border (and because all Herefords look alike) it’s quite practical (at least for the cow punchers). How would you like to spend the warm months out in the middle of nowhere without so much as bus number, ID or address book? It’s like a social security card for cattle and maybe a lot more as we eavesdrop on a conversation in a pasture near Montrose.

Bossie: Get a load of that tattoo on Old Miss Elsie over there.

Brownie: Yeah, she thinks she’s femme fatale on-the-hoof.

Bossie: Grazer.

Elsie: Hello, girls. Did you see my new brand? It’s from Paris.

Brownie: Paris, Texas perhaps.

Bossie: My brand is Ralph Lauren. It’s designer, you know.

Elsie: Well, my markings show superior stock anyway. You two are no better than 2% next to me.

Bossie: She wouldn’t know the difference between high fashion and cheap imitation.

Brownie: Oh Elsie, your brand is nice but it’s a copy. I saw one just like it on the sale rack at the Delta Feedlot.

Elsie: I wouldn’t wear that brand of yours to the rendering plant.

Bossie: It’s all right for dairy cows, but not for us.

Brownie: Don’t you think that kind of brand makes her look fat.

Elsie: It cost over $100. What did you pay for that costume?

Bossie: At least it goes with my hooves. That’s more than I can say for your ensemble.

Elsie: Enough about brands. Who did your hair? It looks like it was burned off.

Bossie: Who did your makeup? Old MacDonald?

Elsie: Jealousy is one of the deadly sins. My monogram speaks for itself. Now I must leave. I have a luncheon engagement.

Sammy Steer: Good grass, man. All we need now is to get over the fence into the cow pasture.

Lord Bull: Look at the brand on that heifer.

– Merv Ditchwater



(Norwood) Regular daily flights from Nucla to Naturita are slated to start today with the 6 am morning milk run. Flights, which were suspended due to fuel shortages during the Persian Gulf War, will number 15 on weekdays and more than 20 on the weekends.

     According to West End Open Space Airways the planes will hold 13 passengers not counting a pilot, co-pilot and rear gunner. The recently repaved Calamity Draw landing strip in Nucla was pronounced “sea-worthy” last week while crews are busily preparing the historical Vancorum dirt strip for the return flight.

     One spokesman for the newly formed Twin Cities Air Board told The Horseshoe that Hopkins Field might serve as a backup landing zone if sheep fences were not completed by departure time.

     The news was greeted with much enthusiasm as far away as Norwood where anxious residents still await the resumption of stagecoach service from the Paradox Valley.

“I am not a pessimist; to perceive evil where it exists is, in my opinion, a form of optimism.”

– Roberto Rossellini

Filed Under: Fractured Opinion


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