Congressional GOP Resignations Corroborated

Many Republican legislators intend to vacate their Congressional seats, effective on the passage of a divisive and contentious tax bill.

“We have done our job. We have unselfishly served the rich and saved America from the Godless Welfare State. But by doing so we have taken ourselves out of the running for reelection,” said Corey Parvenu of Mañana. “Who would vote for us now? Our Congressional salaries are chicken feed compared with the money we make from campaign contributions and other payoffs, so who gives a tinker’s damn.”

“We hate to eat and run but hasta la tonta,” taunted Tar Sands, of North Dakota. “Once voters suffer the fool and realize that we have screwed them we will not be electable, and so, without further fanfare, we will bid adieu…”

Democrats in the House breathed a sigh of relief at the news. “Winners like that make too many losers, to coin a Donna the Buffalo song. They sold their souls and turned our backs on everything the Republican Party once held dear,” said Oregon Democrat, Fanny Albright. “If all of them actually resign we might be ale to pass something besides gas before November.”

At risk of reprisals, retiring lawmakers will go into seclusion until the debris settles, which they hope won’t be “real long”. Insiders, fearing violence, say that poor people “will soon want blood but may have to travel to off-shore bunkers to get it.”

People like Donald Trump and Paul Ryan, who don’t need the money, are slated to save millions on taxes with the new passage while the working poor will get stiffed big time, especially on safety nets. Many of these poor unfortunates to be voted for these wealthy scoundrels and most of them are sticking to their guns, preferring a fatal fall from a high precipice of lies rather than an admission that they were hoodwinked.

“I’ve got a place up river where no one will find me for a long time,” whispered former house whip Mitch “Clear Skies” Pettifogger. “People around here like me. The others will forget in no time. Then we can make a pincher comeback without all the half-cocked liberal investigations.”

Indictments in the ongoing Penis Inquisition will be downplayed in the mainstream press so as to allow the honorable brahmans to safely sneak out of town before mobs understand the consequences and guillotines begin rolling into the the National Mall.

“‘Tis the season, heh?” asked one defrocked “journalist” from Faux News. “It’s like our man Santa legislating the elves out of health insurance, pensions and even free internet while they tighten the screws. Isn’t it an exiting time to be alive!”

Meanwhile in Colorado the state GOP continues to blame the drought on Barack Obama and Jimmy Carter. Many plan relocation to Argentina and Paraguay.

– Tommy Middlefinger


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